Memoires of a Piano Hero

Graduate Recital Report

2011-04-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

My graduate recital was a smashing success. I get pretty nervous to play for people. I never play as well in public as I do in a practice session. A few weeks before my recital I had a pretty negative performing experience which prompted me to go get a prescription from a doctor for a beta-blocker, which blocks your fight-or-flight physical response. I got a prescription for propanellol in 10mg pills and tried them in a few different doses in various settings and decided on 30mg, spread over a couple of hours. The day before the recital my friend Kim was flying in, and my daughter came down with vomiting and a terrible fever. So I decided to get out of dodge and go get a hotel room downtown so I wouldn't get sick and miss my culminating recital. Kim and I had a grand old time. We went out to dinner at my favorite downtown sushi place, Yoi Tomo's. We picked up a birthday cake from Cafe de Paris and ate it in our hotel room (Happy Birthday, Kim!). We met with the sound guy at school and laid some footage for some recordings for my "solo album" that I hope to finish next year. Kim and I always pack a ton of stuff in a day.

The next day we went for a pedicure together. I went and visited my alternative doctor who does a kind of physio/psycho-therapy with me. He gave me something to spray under my tongue that was supposed to "balance my yin." Whatever. I just know I felt better afterwards. I took my ipod and my yoga mat to school and warmed up really slowly for about 30 minutes at a time: play for 30 minutes, rest for 30, play for 30, rest for 30, play for 30. I felt nice and warm but not worn out. I think it was a good strategy.

By the time I went on stage, I was still apprehensive because I wanted it to go well, but I had no physical symptoms: no cold hands, no tremors, no racing heartbeat, no short shallow breathing. I had somewhere between 125-150 people in my audience. When I walked out onstage, I looked out at all those people clapping for me and couldn't see anyone but my best friend Kim and my husband Scott. It's kind of weird to look out and see so many people and yet not be able to SEE them. As the night went along, I could recognize more of them as I looked out into the audience.

I seem to remember stopping 3 or 4 times, and that I didn't always play the form of the pieces exactly like I had learned (circling around a few times or skipping some things) but I don't remember WHERE the problems were, and I was able to just move along and not dwell on the mistakes when they happened. It was a more enjoyable experience than I've ever had in a public performance. Usually I feel like I just committed a crime against humanity during and after a recital. This time, it was much better. I don't think beta-blockers will help EVERYONE, but they helped me. I don't think it will help if you have self-destructive thought patterns, or if you don't practice adequately. But it helped me a lot.

I played the Chopin 4th Ballade as well as I ever have, with no issues. I was really proud of it, it being the longest and most "advanced" of the pieces on my program.

I had a beautiful reception afterwards, arranged by my friends Monica and Ruth. The food was delicious and visually stunning. I was totally wiped out, but it was fun to visit with everyone. I felt so much support from my students, from my music teacher friends, from my professors, from church friends, and my family. My parents, Mikelle, and Kevin drove up from Utah to see me! And, my dad's cousin Woody and his wife Susan came! What an honor it was to have so many friends there.

I can't wait to be done studying for finals so I can learn some more music. I ordered the Mompou Chopin Variations and they are at Dunkley's waiting for me to pick them up, along with the Chopin Barcarolle. That would be a nice CD, the Chopin Ballade, Barcarolle, and the Mompou variations. I'm off to a good start.

The Downhill Stretch

2011-03-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

This coming week I have my last midterm of my last semester of my graduate program. It's a pretty heavy test! I've made 80 index cards and ran out, and had to buy more before I can even touch the listening portion of the exam.

Yesterday I judged all day for the NFMC festival in Nampa, and came home and tried to practice when I totally "hit the wall." I've been practicing about 3 hours a day for the last two years, and I thought I would DIE after about 40 minutes of playing. I got through the whole program, but it wasn't pretty! Try to make ART out of notes when you feel that way. YUCK. So I finished (against my will, or according to my will, what have you) and went to the Game Keeper with Scott to hear Sandon Mayhew (saxophone) and the New Trio Plus which includes Rob Walker on cornet. Usually Chuck Smith plays piano for them, but for some reason Andrew Cortens was on the keys last night. He did a pretty good job. They played one number that was especially good. I don't know the names of any of the music they play; it's all bop and I'm not really familiar with the tunes. But Rob gave an amazing solo, and then Andrew took a solo which copied most of what Rob did almost exactly. It was pretty cool. I also loved it when Rob and Sandon were playing in unison or in parallel motion. The energy was really high and the playing was tight and FUN. I almost gave them a standing ovation, but I don't think it's quite customary in a lounge setting. They also did one Gershwin number which Andrew sang, which I can't remember the title of, but it struck me as pretty unusual to hear a song that is nearing 100 years old played by a bop band, even though Gershwin tunes are all pretty standard with jazz players.

It's been a pretty awesome couple of months, even though I haven't written very much on the blog. I got to go hear Juli Draney play with the ballet, a Brahms set and a Gershwin set. Her playing inspires me. Her practice ethic of late inspires me. I got to hear Lorca Hart's trio live last week. They were awesome. I loved Lorca's manner. I want to play jazz more than ever when I hear these greats. Scott and I heard a fabulous trio at the Blue Door Cafe last week; I never got their names, but the level of playing was impressive! We had a pretty great time at piano club last month; Reed played some original pieces that were some of his best yet. Andrew Armstrong came to Idaho and played a solo recital, including 2 of the pieces that will be on my graduate recital. We had a roaring party here at the house afterward, and he and Juli and I stayed up till 3:30am discussing the virtues of Chopin and Stevie Wonder. Truly one of the most inspirational nights of my life. Juli and I did a play-through for each other of our upcoming concert pieces, and I think it was truly some of the best playing either of us has ever done. It was a high point for me, performance-wise. I'm really enjoying my American Music History course with Dr. Belfy. America's Musical Life by Richard Crawford is inspiring me with all kinds of ideas for what to do after I graduate. And, I buried my grandma, which was very, very sad, but also brought me close to many of my family members, and has brought back a flood of happy and unexpected memories.

I sent out 250 postcard invitations to my recital! I'm getting pretty nervous about it now. What if people actually come? What if no one comes? LOL, I'm pretty worried, either way! My bachelors recital was for about 40 people. This hall holds about 200, and I think it'll be pretty full. I'm excited and terrified. I'm going to try taking a beta-blocker and see if it helps me keep my composure a little better. I'll let you know how it goes.

I've had a wonderful time learning as I've worked toward this degree. I think I've accomplished already what I set out to do. Let's see if I can articulate what those things are: 1. Become a better pianist. 2. Learn more music. 3. Enlarge my network. 4. Learn more ABOUT music, for a springboard to more and significant music projects. 5. Obtain the Master's diploma that I have been coveting! 6. Enlarge my knowledge of existing repertoire. Even though I haven't graduated YET, (10 weeks to go!) I think I have accomplished most of those aims. I think this experience has set me up to be a better musician, and to be able to do some writing and to put together entertaining and artistic concert programs and recordings. I've got my eye on a bright future!

Looking Forward to 2011

2010-12-31T18:05:00.000-08:00

I just went back through my old posts looking for my 2010 resolutions. Turns out I never wrote them down! There's a cool website called dayzero.net that is for goal setting. It's really cool, but it's been down for several days. Here are some goals for 2011:

Graduate with my Master's Degree!!!!!
Play a spectacular graduate recital.
Go to Arkansas to visit Kimberlee.
Play a fabulous concert with Kimberlee.
Work on earning my Personal Progress award with Alexis.
Play all the Chopin etudes, spending a week on each one.
Play all the Debussy etudes, spending a week on each one.
Work on soloing over a jazz standard.
Read the New Testament cover to cover.
Plant 200 more bulbs in the yard.
Make some jam with the summer fruit (I've missed doing that!).
Sew a quilt.
Do 2,500 indexing records (this year I did 2,000!).
Attend the temple more.
Make more of an effort with my nieces and nephews.
Have a perfect visiting teaching record.

I love setting goals. I love being productive! I love a fresh new year. Next year is going to be GREAT!! A year from now I'll be graduated and I'll have more discretionary time (notice I didn't say free time). I want to spend more time working on playing jazz, but there are a few classical solos I'd like to wrap my hands around. Namely, Chopin's Barcarolle and Mompou's Variations on a Theme by Chopin. I want to get season tickets to the symphony next year, too. This year I feel too poor to buy them, even though I get the student price, and too pressed for time, too. Here's to a new year full of new possibilities! What are your New Year's Resolutions?

My Graduate Recital

2010-11-28T08:35:00.000-08:00

Three weeks left in this semester! Or, two weeks + finals week. Can't WAIT for it to be over!

I set up a Facebook event for my recital, which will be Saturday, March 19 at 5:30 at the Morrison Center Recital Hall. All my music is memorized now. I had a great practice session yesterday. If I can get used to playing in front of people, I think it will be a spectacular program. The best news is that I STILL love ALL of my music, now that I have spent 1,000 hours with it! I still have lots to do, though. I need to make posters, program notes, arrange for food and buy a new pair of shoes. I am thinking something like an embellished ballet slipper for shoes. It's hard to find something lovely that doesn't squeak on the pedals. I'm going to wear an ivory colored tea dress. Send me links, if you happen across something that looks like it might work!

2010-09-26T18:49:00.001-07:00

Today I went to see Roger Kellaway play with his jazz trio, which was comprised of a piano, bass, and hollow body electric guitar. It was great! I wish they played more at the free symposiums, but I'm too cheap to pay $42 for the evening ticket. They played some music and talked about Roger's influences. People were throwing out names from the audience, "How much are you influenced by the Nat Cole trio?" (duh, of course). Someone brought up Shirley Horn, who I of course love and adore and idolize. She was a wonderful jazz pianist who played classical piano until she got out of high school and then crossed over into jazz. Roger said he had 12 years of classical piano before he ventured into jazz.

This year I've been taking some jazz piano lessons as part of my master's degree. I wish I had time to practice more, but I don't. I put in about 2 hours a week of practice at my jazz piano. It's pathetic, but at least it is SOMETHING. Currently, I am working on writing an arrangement of the Kurt Weil tune, "Lost in the Stars." The lyrics are poignant, and I think it has a lot of room for exploring various harmonies. I am still very much an amateur, but I have written some gorgeous sounds!

At any rate, I was sitting there listening to Roger talk about his upbringing and how he got to be "possibly the greatest jazz pianist to walk the earth" and I got thinking how much room I have to grow in this area. Then I had a revelation: I have reached the pinnacle of what I can accomplish in classical piano. I can continue to play classical piano and be the best of practically anyone around (except for that .0001% who makes a living playing concertos with orchestras, living out of a suitcase, touring the country, with management, ugh, not so fun), but then I would never grow again. I have learned how to efficiently learn music that someone else wrote, playing by memory, music that everyone has already heard. (Here comes the revelation:) If I work at jazz, THAT is where I can grow. THAT is how I can make music that NO ONE else has ever heard before. THAT is how I can make an audience giddy as they hear tunes they already know but in a new way that I thought up. So watch out, world! Tawna Love is going to be finished with her masters degree, and then you are going to be FLOODED with the wonderful sounds I am going to dream up for you. I am really looking forward to this next creative period in my life.

Improve the Shining Moments

2010-08-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

Today in church, we sang this hymn. It's kind of a cheesy old tune, the kind that reminds me of an old 19th century revival hymn, or something the women of the suffragettes might have sung. But today the lyrics rang true with me. The message is kind of like my personal motto in life: make each moment matter. Do something valuable in some way with each and every day.

Improve the Shining Moments
Robert B Baird, 1855-1916

Improve the shining moments;
Don't let them pass you by.
Work while the sun is radiant;
Work for the night draws nigh.
We cannot bid the sunbeams
To lengthen out their stay,
Nor can we ask the shadow
To ever stay away.

Time flies on wings of lightning;
We cannot call it back.
It comes, then passes forward
Along its onward track.
And if we are not mindful,
The chance will fade away,
For life is quick in passing.
'Tis as a single day.

As wintertime doth follow
The pleasant summer days.
So may our joys all vanish
And pass far from our gaze.
Then should we not endeavor
Each day some point to gain,
That we may here be useful
And every wrong disdain?

Improve each shining moment.
In this you are secure,
For promptness bringeth safety
And blessings rich and pure.
Let prudence guide your actions;
Be honest in your heart;
And God will love and bless you
And help to you impart.

Isn't that a positive message? That's a great message for me about how to get through this second year of graduate school. The school year officially starts tomorrow, but my class starts on Tuesday. I'm kind of excited, but kind of terrified.

I got a "high pass" on my last two sections of the history predictive exam, so now I'm a regular status graduate student, rather than a provisional one. :) I'm just worried that my physical stamina may not last a full year! I have to remember that graduation is only 9 months away, and really only 8 more months of work, because I get a month off at Christmas. Anyway, my goal is to improve each of the shining moment of the next 9 months. It's going to be a full, beautiful year and I'll have achieved a master's degree! Woot!

Kindred Spirits

2010-08-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Larson first introduced me to Anne of Green Gables in my 7th grade honors English class. Watching that movie was like being introduced to myself. Anne is a precocious red headed, green eyed, freckle faced girl with a big imagination and a highly romanticized view of the world. She meets Diana Barry and they instantly become “bosom friends” (incidentally, my best friend growing up was named Dianne, and she was the only girl who lived within walking distance from me; also a red head). Anne tells Diana that they are “kindred spirits.” Isn’t that a great phrase? I have been thinking today about all the kindred spirits that I’ve been so fortunate to stumble across in my life. God has put various people in my path that fill all my different needs, and we have shared a connection which feels so strong that we might be related, only we’re not. Here are a few of the kindred spirits in my world, in no particular order!

Kimberlee is my music friend, but also my BEST friend. Kimberlee and I became acquainted the day she moved away to Minnesota, but that meeting sprang into a fast friendship. Luckily for me, we both have Verizon mobile phone service, so our minutes (rather, hours) are free. We play concerts together, but share much more than just a working relationship. She calls me on the phone when she hears a great pianist on the radio and tells me to run out and buy their recordings. We also share a love of sewing. Kim and I have a pact that we will encourage each other to be good and noble people. She inspires me musically and morally.

Charlene is my Arizona piano teaching friend. She and I became acquainted at my first (and last!) music teacher’s meeting in Arizona and became friends for life. We go to conferences together and have a ball, since we share much more than music in common. We are both movers and shakers in a profession usually filled with older, much more reserved personalities. It is pretty fun to see ideas I’ve shared with her show up in print in her publications. Even though I’m now in Idaho, we’re still great friends.

Gay is my piano teaching mom. The first month I moved to Idaho I met her at a music teaching conference, and she took me under her wing, promoting me to her students as she was retiring. She was instrumental in giving me my start in the Boise area. We also like to go to quilt shows and shops together, and of course, out for lunch.

Dan and Dani are my farmer’s market friends. Scott and I met Dan and Dani at the farmer’s market where Scott sells his granola bars. They sell the finest pork, beef, chicken, and eggs money can buy from their XXL Ranch. We stopped by to buy some meat one day, and the next thing you know we’re sharing a meal at their home and they have taken our daughters under their wing as if they were their own.

Donna is who I want to be when I grow up. She’s a glamorous older lady who is also married to a fly fisherman. I don’t get to see her very often, but we like to go out to lunch once a year or so. She has taught me so much about poise, style and manners. She exercises great taste in every possible way.

Amy is my Idaho girlfriend. I can’t count the times that she has told me about a problem she was facing in her family and I felt like she was describing my own current situation. Her husband and mine are good friends as well, so we periodically socialize together.

Gayle and Steve are my Idaho parents. Even though they’re old enough to be my parents, we enjoy socializing together, which is great especially because Steve is a fly fisherman. Gayle and Steve have enjoyed a meal or two at our house, and they always stay until every last dish is washed and dried. They seem to think that we are the bees knees, which is fun for us, but if I had to pick a different set of parents for Scott and myself, it would be Gayle and Steve all the way.

Christine is another indispensable Idaho girlfriend. Even though I’m a bit younger than her, we seem to share many commonalities in both our histories and our current situations. I can relate to her so much as a sister, a mom, a wife, and a daughter. She’s a girl with great common sense, and also knows how to throw a great party.

Coreen was my best girlfriend in Arizona. When we met it seemed like we had more differences than similarities; I never expected to become as close to her as I did. But we became best friends through our church service, and had quilt night once a week and both made beautiful quilts for our daughters. I miss her terribly.

Reed is like my piano teaching brother. He’s a composer, and he frequently brings me his compositions to try. What a privilege that is, to be a sounding board for his creativity! I love talking shop with Reed. He has an excitement for learning and perfecting his craft of playing, teaching, and composing. I have a great respect for his lifetime of progress, where many others fall off of the learning wagon when they complete college.

Juli is a piano girlfriend who is destined to remain in my life. We met for the first time at music camp at age 14. We ran into each other again in our undergrad at the University of Utah. We lost track after graduation, and then when I moved to Idaho, here she was again! Fate has thrust us together three times, never again to go our separate ways.

I’m one lucky girl with all these good people in my life, and many more who inspire and encourage me. This list could go on and on. Sometimes I think I am so different that no one could possibly understand me or what I’m going through, and then God sends me a new friend in the most unexpected of places. Hopefully I can offer my friendship to someone else and fill a need for them, the way these people do for me, because my cup runneth over.

Elvis Lives!

2010-07-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm just wrapping up what is probably the happiest day of the year for me. My best friend came to town and we squished enough fun for an entire week into one day. The crowning event was attending "Elvis On Tour" on the Imax, two hours and five minutes of footage of The King. We took our beautiful daughters (Alexis is also a huge Elvis fan; she was Priscilla Presley for Halloween a couple of years ago) with us. It was exhilarating to see him in action at the prime of his career. He was a tremendous band leader, and a fantastic entertainer, but it was great to see his interaction with his band. There is a reason he is called "The King of Rock 'n' Roll," and it's not necessarily because of his rock 'n' roll. In fact, most of what we heard tonight was blues and gospel. He's The King because he was so skilled as a musician and a performer. He knew that for most of his audience members, it would be the first and only time they would ever see him perform, and he wanted to give them a great show, as if it were the first time his band had played those tunes together. He had a huge band! A dozen or so horns, a set of timpani, flute, bass, drums (oh my! an AWESOME drummer!), piano (YES, a REAL piano; one pianist played boogie-woogie pretty impressively), and about 8 back-up singers. At the end of his career, he was singing mostly gospel music, and he sang with great sincerity. After seeing that show, I'm as big of a fan as ever. Now if only I could get me a bedazzled-grommet-studded cape, maybe I would have what it takes to really entertain my audience for my graduate recital. And go-go boots. But I digress.

So anyway, Kim came into town for just the one day, and we had so much to do! We went to the library and checked out new CD's (I'm stocking up on my Chopin Ballade recordings) followed by lunch on the patio at the Cottonwood Grille, which is in my opinion, the best table in the Treasure Valley, with the breeze coming through the Cottonwoods off of the Boise River, butterflies, dragonflies, flowers, birdies, and a view of their waterfall. What could be better? I'll tell you: Gaspacho and the Cottonwood Platter (their cheese plate with smoked trout, pork, salami, 4 kinds of cheese, apples, grapes and strawberries). Talk about heaven in my mouth.

After lunch we went back to the Morrison Center where we chatted with my teacher and then Kim and I got to play together for a few short minutes. She recently acquired a phenomenal new violin which I hadn't heard before today. I've always loved her playing, but now she is a force to be reckoned with. We got to sight-read through some Albert Spalding compositions together for the first time (we're both huge fans) and she played a composition of hers for me that she's had in progress for some months now. What a treat. Also, I ran into my best BSU girlfriend, Maggie. Haven't seen her all summer. Yay, Maggie! Go Broncos!

Then of course we had to go to the music store so I could drop my name in the drawing for the digital piano they are giving away this week. You can enter once a day all week, so you can bet I will. Can you imagine how my family life would improve if I could practice with headphones in the middle of the night? So we stopped by to pick up some sheet music, and what do you know, but I won a prize! I'm the proud new owner of a black coffee mug with golden piano keys on it. Woot! But don't worry, I'm still in the running for the digital piano. We met a great guy at the music store (Weinberg? I forget his name). He was playing Le Tambeau de Couperin by Ravel. Nice. Didn't realize there were still pianists - good ones - in Boise that I haven't met yet! Whadayaknow?

After the music store we were off to get fresh eggs from my girlfriend Dani at the Farmer's Market, and then to Lee's Candies (incidentally, Kimberlee's namesake), home to pick up the girls, and then off to see Elvis on Tour.

Since we hadn't had quite enough fun yet, we had to go to Pengilly's to see if we could soak in just a couple of more tunes before the night was over. We were expecting to hear our favorite band, the Frim Fram 4, but they weren't playing. Instead, we got to hear Rob Walker, trumpet; Camden Hughes, piano; and Tom Jensen, bass with a female singer whose name I don't know. I love hearing Rob! He really can swing. I'd never heard Camden or Tom play before, but they were great. I'd been wanting to hear them play for some time, so it was really a great surprise to hear them play.

The whole day was too much fun, but the best part was sharing it all with my best music friend, Kim. I only get to see her once a year, so we try to make the most of it when I see her. It really was my lucky day. I can't believe that my life is so full of beautiful people and the gorgeous music that they make. And at the end of it all, I get to come home to a house full of people who I love just as dearly for different reasons altogether. Today I'm chalk full of love.

Haydn

2010-07-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

It's done! I got through my entire Haydn "Great" E Flat Sonata today, quite well, actually. All three movements with repeats. We're having a little dinner party tomorrow night and I'm going to give it a complete run-through in front of people. I'm bracing myself! I think it'll go well, though.

Next up: The Granados Nightingale piece, my Chopin Butterfly Etude (both about half finished currently), and my encore, Autumn Moon Over a Calm Lake. I have been wanting to do one more Granados piece, but have still not come to an agreement with my teacher over which one. If I can get these things learned before school starts, I'll be on track for a great recital in March.

A Terrific Story for you

2010-06-15T17:54:00.000-07:00

While I was in Utah last week, I had the NEATO experience of visiting with my piano teacher. I studied with her from 5th through 11th grade. She was the best thing that ever happened to me during my adolescent years. With all the junk that happens during those years, both at home and abroad, she was the miracle that made me feel loved. So anyway, we went to visit her, I played for her (badly), and she told us this true story about HER very first piano teacher.

This story took place on Easter Sunday, 1939. This woman was in Washington, D.C. with her husband who was going to dental school. One day, they were walking down the street and they came across a bunch of people who were all walking in the same direction. She had a sense that they were headed somewhere important, and told her husband that they should go with those people. Soon, there were more and more people, and pretty soon they got looking around and realized that they were the only white people in a sea of black people. Her husband was nervous and told her he wanted to go home. She said she thought something important was going to happen and she didn't want to miss it. They ended up on the mall at the Lincoln Memorial, and it was Marian Anderson who they were there to see! The Daughters of the American Revolution had refused to allow her to sing for an integrated audience in Constitution Hall, so Eleanor Roosevelt resigned from the organization and arranged for her to sing at the Lincoln Memorial. Seventy-five thousand people showed up to hear her.

You can hear the clip and see some photos of that historic moment here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkPI0VKM4Fk

A Topic-less Update

2010-06-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

Last week my cousin died, so I decided to go to Utah for the funeral, which was last Wednesday. I have a very colorful family, so it's always pretty fun to see them all, which was really why I went. I wasn't particularly close to my cousin who passed away, but I used to be great friends with her sister, and now with Facebook and all, I've been corresponding with her other sister and her mom a bit. My mom and I did some of the music for the funeral. It was actually pretty fun, as far as funerals go. I guess the best way to describe this particular funeral would be to say that it was an "interactive" funeral. They had people write down their memories of my cousin and they read some of them at the graveside and some at the funeral service. They had some guys there with guitars who sang some of her favorite songs, both at the graveside and at the funeral service, and had people sing along. They had a DVD of her photos playing at the viewing. They took the casket to the cemetery in a hearse that was pulled by Harley Davidson motorcycles with many of the procession also on their Harleys, and at the graveside they did what could only be described as a camp cheer, and they let off helium balloons into the sky at the end. It was actually a very enjoyable day. It made me wonder what I would want for my own funeral, not that I have any immediate plans.

Today I took Kevin to the thrift store and bought him a new shirt and a couple of piano books - Johnny Mathis and a Christmas album. Then I made him sing the songs all the way home. It was pretty funny. I remember my mom's piano students playing those old sappy songs (Misty, Feelings, The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face), and I remember them being played on FM100. We laughed and laughed. I probably shouldn't participate in that kind of activity while operating a vehicle.

A Memory for Memorial Day

2010-05-31T05:52:00.000-07:00

About 8 years ago we were moving to Phoenix. Scott worked for Dreyer's Ice Cream at the time, and they had given us a very generous moving package. We had flown into Phoenix and arrived late, and took our tired children to the hotel restaurant. It was a Marriott, if I remember correctly, and the restaurant was pretty formal. We had taken our kids to restaurants pretty regularly, but I remember being particularly anxious for them to behave appropriately, with the formal setting, the lateness of the hour, and the conspicuous absence of other children. We had a big meal, knowing we wouldn't be picking up the tab.

We finished our dinner, and when it came time for the check, the waiter came and said that there was a Marine who was shipping out to Afghanistan the next day who was missing his family and wanted to pick up the tab for our family. My heart sank and was full of gratitude all at once. I was so grateful to that Marine for his act of generosity, and sorry that he didn't know that it would have been paid for by the company. I was humbled that my kids were well behaved enough (and that our patience was adequate!) to stir that kind of nostalgia in a soldier.

The next morning the breakfast area was full of Marines. I remember walking around looking at each one and wondering which of them had paid for our family's meal. Over the next several years as I watched the news and saw the announcements when a soldier was killed or wounded, I always wondered if it was "our" Marine who's photo was flashing across the screen. I've always had a reverence for the flag and our military, but now I have a very personal appreciation for the military and the sacrifice they and their families make in order to serve our country. Today, I have a special prayer in my heart for him and his family.

Never when it counts

2010-05-21T20:57:00.001-07:00

I auditioned to play with the local community orchestra today. I was really nervous, but felt quite prepared, in spite of never having played my piece straight through with no stopping in front of observers. I played the first movement of Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 4 in G minor. My teacher came with me and played the orchestral reduction accompaniment. He plays so beautifully. I always have to remind myself how lucky I am to be playing with him when I'm in the midst of a run-through. Although, I must admit, I think I am a more sensitive collaborator than he is (lol). Anyway, it was just the three of us in the room, me, my teacher, and the conductor. It went pretty well. I had one tiny fudge/pause but didn't stop outright, and was able to keep going and finish the piece. I played it better than I have ever played in front of an audience. He said he'd make his decision in mid-June. Then I came home and played it for a friend who stopped by (non-musician), and I kept thinking, "This is stupid; it would have been much more helpful to have played for her yesterday; this doesn't even count, since my audition is over." Wouldn't you know? I played it PERFECTLY that time. Not a single pause. Straight through with not a single hiccup. So here's the million dollar question: Why can't I ever play perfectly when it counts? Why, when it counts the most, can't I pull myself together?

I got to thinking that I started having these memory lapses when I was in high school and college. That was about the time that I started trying to follow my teachers' advice about learning music in small sections, rather than playing straight through again and again. Well, I had the brilliant idea that perhaps to play straight through again and again might be the missing link in my practicing. Maybe what I need is the complete train of thought. Maybe with my next piece, after I practice the thing in sections rehearsing each detail, I should demand that I play it straight through 5 times each day, with or without the music. I think it's worth a try. I think I'd have less memory trouble. I'm going to do it.

4.0

2010-05-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

I got a 4.0!!! It only took me till I was 37. My first one ever. I am pretty proud. Last semester I got a 3.97, robbed by Theory Review, which was only one credit hour and yet I did about 10 hours a week of homework in order to get an A- or B or something. Still, pretty good for a semester with three academic classes in addition to private lessons. This semester I had Advanced Form and Analysis, Survey of Jazz, and Private Lessons. Today I got to see my papers from my jury, and they didn't say much. The one comment that made me very proud was from Halimah Brugger. She said that I had come such a very long way this year. I really respect her musicianship. I didn't see any comments from my own teacher. I'm pretty proud, though. Just goes to show that if you work hard and play your heart out, you can make mistakes and still be considered a fine musician. I wonder if they give less than A's to anyone here? I don't hear about it, if they do.

On another positive note, Alexis was awarded a prize for photography on the state level of the Reflections contest today!! I was so happy for her and so VERY proud.

Working toward deadlines

2010-05-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

I guess I am a sort of person who works toward a deadline. it would be great if I could just do a little every day to remain in a state of constant progress. For some reason I tend to fill my life with events that create these deadlines, so I end up working like a crazy lady, trying to get everything done "in time" and seeing if I can "just stick with it until Friday" and "when such and so date comes, then I'll be out of the woods." I guess it's not a really BAD way to live, because I become very goal oriented in terms of succeeding for the deadlines. But I'm kind of sick of it. I kind of wish I didn't have ANY deadlines. No predictive exam to study for. No festival to prepare for. No audition to practice for. Just some lazy days to lounge around on the couch. Trouble is, if that were the case, then I'd just be an average, mediocre person with no special skills. I kind of like my special skills. I kind of like being the best at things. But today I'm sick of pushing pushing pushing myself. I just want to sit around and drink my juice and wait for this kidney stone to pass! But I don't have the luxury, because I have an audition on Friday and a festival on Saturday, so I put my nose back to the grindstone.

What I Have Learned

2010-05-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

I finished my last final tonight!! I'm officially a 2nd year grad student now. Don't you think this occasion warrants a blog entry? Here are some things I learned that I never knew before:

1. I know the difference between simple and rounded binary form.
2. I know the difference between a bridge and a re-transition.
3. I can define bebop
4. I know how to write in Chicago style
5. I learned all about accompanist Andre Benoist and made the acquaintance of his son, Albert.
6. I RE-learned how to modulate and
7. how to harmonize figured bass and
8. how to identify all the various augmented 6th chords (Do you think that will ever stick in my brain? I've forgotten already)
9. I discovered Mary Lou Williams
10. I became painfully aware of the effects of the Jim Crow laws in the South
11. I discovered Fred Hersch
12. I learned to play the Chopin 4th Ballade!!
13. And the Rachmaninoff 4th piano concerto!!
14. And Granados' El Pelele!!
15. My kids learned how to do laundry (lol)
16. I learned that the world will not end if I don't clean my house
17. I learned that if I get up early, I can accomplish 3x more in my day
18. I learned that my husband would stand by me while I accomplish a dream of mine (What a guy; he has been very supportive)
19. I've tried to learn to be respectful of authority. Don't know if I'll ever learn that really well, but I'm making strides :)
20. I learned that if you have a dream, no one is going to pursue it for you. You pretty much have to step forward and take it!

It's been a great year. SOOO glad it's over.

Last Day of the Semester

2010-05-06T20:52:00.000-07:00

Today was kind of an important day for me. It was my last day of official classes in my first year of graduate school. All I have left are a couple of cinchy finals and my jury. I'll be done for good next Thursday.

I finished my research paper on Mary Lou Williams today, also. I asserted that it was she who started the bebop movement, even though she has never been credited with doing so, and in fact, is never even categorized as a bebopper at all. But she was. She was the person who taught Thelonious Monk (the "high priest of bop") everything he knew. She gave him the foundation of his style. If I were really interested in history and research and writing, this would be a great doctoral thesis. I'll send you my paper to read if you are interested in this subject at all. I think it's groundbreaking, but what do I know?

I have LOVED my jazz class this semester. I learned so much, and discovered so much great music. I can't wait to take some jazz lessons next semester. I'm going to learn the rest of my graduate recital this summer, and then plunge head first into jazz. It's going to be painful, but I can't wait to play like Shirley Horne and Fred Hersch.

I'm so proud of me! This has been a demanding but rewarding and wonderful year.

#'s 11-20

2010-05-02T06:54:00.001-07:00

Back to the "Bucket List." I am having a little trouble with my internet (I got a new "improved" wireless thingy, and it disconnected me before I could post this the other day, so I'll try again.

11. Use proceeds of music sales to create clean water facilities in 3rd world communities (11A: Create proceeds from music sales. lol)

12. Get nominated for a Grammy. I don't care so much about winning the ACTUAL Grammy, but I would love to make a recording that was significant enough to be nominated.

13. Re-establish my yoga muscles. I've been dreaming all year about the beautiful muscles I had last year when I was practicing yoga regularly. Being in school has conflicted with my yoga practice. I'll get to practice pretty regularly this summer, but after graduation, watch out!

14. Write a collection of arrangements for use in ballet class. I've been learning about form in my jazz class, and found a couple of forms that would be PERFECT for ballet class: the march (ragtime) and 32-bar popular song form. The best news is that much of that music is now becoming public domain. I hope to get a website going and self-publish.

15. Learn how to positively relate to all my children. It's a challenge, striking a balance between love and responsibility and discipline and learning.

16. This one is a fascination, rather than an all-out goal. Last week I heard Monte Alexander play a melodica, which is a relative to the accordion. He was fantastic! This week I've been listening to a group called "Hot Club of Detroit" (get it?). They have an accordion player, and the music is so fun! So I guess I'd like to get myself a melodica and fool around with it. I'll bet it would free me up to improvise, since I would view it as a toy rather than a legitimate instrument. Anything to get these ears working.

17. Play/Perform/Record all the works of Debussy. Pretty ironic that I haven't put any of them on my graduate recital, seeing as how I love his music so much. Yesterday I heard a friend of mine play the last piece from "Pour le piano." It was fabulous.

18. Move to Spain and study at the Marshall Academie. This is a goal that I should have done as a teenager, but now I'm not a teenager, and I don't know how it would ever work out, since Scott would need to have a job there. I wonder if there is a famous music school in Madrid? I guess he'd rather be in Madrid. Either is fine with me. I'd love to spend some extended time in Spain. I guess I'd better

19. Learn Spanish. (Not a lifetime dream, but necessary to accomplish #18)

20. Perform a concerto with an orchestra. I hope to be able to accomplish this in 2011. We shall see.

I'm Famous

2010-04-28T05:21:00.001-07:00

Check it out - They put me on this slideshow. I'm the pianist playing in the background. I quit after I made a mistake, but unfortunately they included my mistake on the slideshow.

http://news.boisestate.edu/slideshows/AllSteinway/

Short Bucket List

2010-04-27T13:28:00.001-07:00

Awhile back Kim posted a list of 20 goals. Twenty seems like a nice achievable number. I consider myself tagged and present you with my list of 20 things I hope to accomplish in my life, in no particular order:

1. Finish my masters degree!

2. Become proficient in jazz improvisation. I'm still a novice in this area, but hope to become admirably proficient. I don't envision myself breaking new ground or making lots of money giving jazz concerts, but I would hope that at least I could become proficient.

3. Maintain my weight. I like my weight right now. I would like to maintain it forever.

4. Earn a DMA.

5. Become employed by a university as a music professor. I don't want to be a department head or deal with any of the headaches that involves, just a professor.

6. Work as a pianist for a symphony orchestra.

7. Make some more recordings. I have a really good idea for my next classical CD. It won't be too hard. I can't wait. But no, I'm not telling.

8. Go to Paris with Alexis. Wouldn't that be a fantastic mother-daughter trip? I've still never been.

9. Sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. The only trouble is, I'd have to live in the Salt Lake valley to accomplish this. The air there is terrible, and the inversion keeps the sun away for weeks at a time. Ick.

10. Break some new ground in my family history work. There are a few lines that I think I could make some serious progress on without too much work. All I need is time, you know?

This is harder than I thought it would be. I must be pretty contented. Stay tuned for 10 more next time.

Earth Day

2010-04-22T15:31:00.000-07:00

Today is Earth Day. I drove my SUV to school. LOL. I do love our earth, I really do, but I had to drive the carpool this morning, so SUV it was. Yesterday I came home to find 3 of my perennials (purple desert loving verbena) yanked out of the ground. It seems my gardener had not been informed that there were actual weeds in the yard (dandelions and morning glory) that needed pulling. On the plus side, my tulips look gorgeous. They are lucky they do not remotely resemble any indigenous weeds. The up side to having a gardener like mine is that he cooks the wonderful things we grow into delicious gourmet meals. I wouldn't trade him for the world.

Today I played my Rachmaninoff Concerto No. 4 for concert class. I lost my place and had another memory lapse (OF COURSE), but otherwise played really well. I think I made some beautiful music. The audience clapped and whooped for me. I think they enjoyed it. I hope the day will come soon that I will be able to play ANYTHING at all without forgetting. So far, I forget, so maybe I qualify as a very good intermediate pianist. I don't feel quite like a "Master" yet. I always feel like I just had a heart attack after I play by memory. Tonight I'm going to play 2 pieces for my "Piano Club:" Granados' El Pelele, and Haydn's Eb Sonata III. Presto. I think it'll go well.

I had the greatest experience with one of my piano students today. He is playing a piece called "With A Yo-Ho-Ho!" His rhythm was iffy on one part, so we made up some words for it so he could more easily remember the rhythm. Here are our lyrics: "Here's a pirate song for a very cool dude; will you please give me some food?" Other lyrics in the rest of the piece were, "Now you'll walk the plank. You're a very stupid guy. You will drown and die," or my favorite, "If you don't say the roots you will walk the plank." It went on and on and we laughed and laughed. We practiced the piece over and over while we made up gory lyrics. I think maybe now he'll finally get it. I really enjoy teaching. I cannot WAIT for this semester to end.

Poem of the Day

2010-04-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

Here's the Poem of the Day from Writer's Almanac, my favorite literary website. Since I've been going to school, my yard has fallen into disrepair, but I wish I could get out there and work in the dirt, just a little bit! I love spring and the new flowers that are appearing. My purple tulips are just about to pop! This will be me, out there in the yard again, in summer of '11!

His Wife
by Andrew Hudgins

My wife is not afraid of dirt.
She spends each morning gardening,
stooped over, watering, pulling weeds,
removing insects from her plants
and pinching them until they burst.
She won't grow marigolds or hollyhocks,
just onions, eggplants, peppers, peas –
things we can eat. And while she sweats
I'm working on my poetry and flute.
Then growing tired of all that art,
I've strolled out to the garden plot
and seen her pull a tomato from the vine
and bite into the unwashed fruit
like a soft, hot apple in her hand.
The juice streams down her dirty chin
and tiny seeds stick to her lips.
Her eye is clear, her body full of light,
and when, at night, I hold her close,
she smells of mint and lemon balm.

Playing in Public

2010-04-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Today I played Granados' "El pelele" for a Spanish class. My teacher was giving a lecture about Spanish culture and scholarship, and invited me to play for them. I had several brain freezes, but I got through without stopping outright, so I was glad of that. I just need a whole bunch of opportunities to play in public. This performance degree is kind of a conundrum. I hate playing from memory, and I hate playing from memory in public, especially. I get really nervous and feel like my blood is boiling or that my veins are about to explode before I go onstage. I've tried the breathing exercises and everything else, and I can't get a hold of my nerves. Oh well. I only have one more year left, and then I will play with ensembles for the rest of my life.

After my solo "performance," I went into the rehearsal hall and worked on a piece called "Aurora Awakes" by John Mackey with the BSU Wind Ensemble. It is a gorgeous piece! The introduction alone brings me to tears. It's a pretty big hard fast difficult piece, and not very pianistic, either. It puts the hand and arms in weird angles and then asks you to play fff, which is just not good. The rhythm switches from 3/4 - 2/4 - 5/4- 3/2- 7/8 all over the place, with hardly two measures in a row with the same meter. I've played in a string orchestra before, but there are no words to describe the vibrations that a large wind ensemble sends coursing through your body! It's hard, but lots of fun. And there I am, again, in all my exhibitionism again, playing solo piano in the middle of this huge group. It's quite a trip to be the only one on your instrument that way, with your part so bare in front of everyone.

When I was a young girl learning my piano skills, I would have never called myself an exhibitionist. I was shy and always looked at the group with a bit of disdain, not wanting to be like the others, but not wanting to stand out from the crowd as exceptional, either. Why did I choose this field? The truth is, that I didn't. It chose me. I'm not comfortable at all in either of those roles (solo piano or collaborative pianist), but I have to say that it's a bit like parasailing. It's such a huge risk that it's pretty thrilling on your way down, even if you crash.

Life is a drag, sometimes

2010-04-01T19:21:00.001-07:00

Today has been a drag. I've got nothing done. I should never go into spring break expecting any degree of productivity. I'm discouraged by parenthood, finances, my housekeeping skills (or lack thereof), blah, blah, blah.

On an optimistic note, I think I have grown up some in the communication field. I had a nasty interaction today with a guy who has no communication skills. He started out rude, right out of the gate. He sent me a nasty e-mail and a nasty voice-mail (didn't want to risk not making his point, I guess). I found myself composing a thoughtful, respectful response, with just enough but not too much information. Later I called him on the phone and he was much, MUCH nicer to me in conversation than in either of his messages.

Maybe I have learned how to diffuse a bad situation. I'm finding that I have learned how to wait before I respond in a reactionary way. I'm finding that I have the self-restraint to tailor my interactions to achieve my desired results. Five years ago, an interaction like this one would have gotten ugly fast, and then I'd have sulked about it for 18 months. I'm proud of how it ended up, but it still didn't make for a pleasant day.

AND, I am still staying true to my diet. I'm proud of that, too.

Died of Concert

2010-03-29T19:26:00.001-07:00

I'm writing a paper about Mary Lou Williams. She was a jazz pianist. She was performing in the 1930's, through her death in the 70's. She had a fascinating life. She performed from the time she was a very young girl, and toured around with Vaudeville troupes, not realizing the danger she was in, a young black girl in a white man's world (or a black man's, for that matter). She became a very well respected pianist, composer, and arranger. I'm just learning about her; I wish I had started on this paper sooner.

Anyway, one of my methods in doing research is just to open up my book and type everything that looks meaningful, and then I can cut and paste whatever is useful to me later as I'm going along, so I read as I type. I was reading about the end of her life. I guess she died of cancer. I'm typing along, and find my fingers saying, "she died of concert." Talk about a Freudian slip. I hope I don't die of concert. Or cancer, for that matter. LOL.

Haydn

2010-03-22T20:17:00.000-07:00

My Haydn sonata movement is MEMORIZED! Sort of. I still have to glance up once in awhile. I feel like I've accomplished a lot in a little time, though. Even though the health care bill passed (and wouldn't you know it, but TODAY I got a notice from one of my providers that their acceptance level of our plan has changed), at least I still have Haydn's "Great E Flat Sonata." Can you hear the Gershwin tune, "Oh, no, they can't take that away from me"?

Health Care

2010-03-20T20:22:00.001-07:00

I've been trying to decide what emergency procedures I could have performed before the health care vote tomorrow.

Feeling Restless

2010-03-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Today I have the late winter blues. It was a lovely sunny day, but I feel restless. I always get feeling a bit like I've lost my mind in March. I have had it with the winter, and am looking forward to summer. And to the semester ending. And nice weather. I'm exhausted. I had no school and no lessons today, and I still feel crazy out of my mind for no reason. It's the spring crazies. I get them every year.

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

2010-03-15T13:19:00.000-07:00

The good news is, El Pelele is memorized, and I've learned the Presto movement of Haydn's "Great" E Flat sonata. The bad news is, I bruised my thumb practicing incorrectly. Have you ever bruised your fingers practicing? I've never heard of this. It crossed my mind that maybe I have diabetes and my thumb is going to fall off. I don't think that's the case, though. I think what happened was that last week I was practicing on the piano in my teacher's studio, which is a fairly new Steinway, so it's beautiful, but a little bit stiff and dull, so I was working extra hard to make it ring. I think I was pounding, because now I have a bruise on the side of the knuckle of my thumb. How embarrassing. Apparently I don't know how to play the piano. I spend all this time telling my students to play on the tips of 1 & 5, and saying, "Up, up, up!" to my students, but apparently I'm playing "down, down, down". I need to learn how to go "up, up, up"! I don't think I can just quit practicing while my thumb heals, so I've been practicing really carefully today, up on the tip of my thumb. Duh.

After I get the Presto movement memorized, I think I'll work on learning all my other recital music, and wait on memorizing anything new till I can play it all.

Graduate Recital Program

2010-03-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

I've been struggling over what to play on my graduate recital since the first week of my first semester, and I have finally made some decisions! Here it is, folks:

Bach: Toccata in G minor

Haydn: Sonata No. 62 in E flat, Hob. XVI/52
I. Allegro
II. Adagio
III. Presto

Intermission

Rave:" Valses Nobles et Sentimentales

Granados: Goyescas
Quejas o lamaja y el ruisenor (The Maiden and the Nightingale)
El pelele (Straw Man)

Chopin: Ballade No. 4

Encore:
Lu Wen-Cheng: Ping hu qiu yue (Autumn Moon on a Calm Lake)

Each one of these pieces has a specific purpose in my repertoire, and I really like each one. I have listened to hundreds of hours of music, trying to select the very best examples of each composer's writing, and I feel really good about this program, collectively as well as individually. What a relief to have all the pieces selected! Now I just have to learn it all! So far, I have learned the Chopin Ballade and Granados' El pelele. I have my work cut out for me!

Kimberlee sent me a message last week, letting me know that the Goyescas were premiered on 3/11/1911. The hundredth anniversary of their premier will be on 3/11/2011. Doesn't that sound like an ideal date to hold my recital? Save that date! Be there or be square!

You Are Enough!

2010-03-09T13:24:00.000-08:00

Events of today have left me feeling sad for my friends who are brooding musicians. I don't think that I am quite like that in personality. I think I am much more egotistical than these people who get depressed over music. I usually feel pretty good about things. But I have friends who don't. I have friends who look at their lives and feel like they haven't done enough. They don't play well enough, they haven't made enough recordings, they don't give enough performances, they will never "make it", etc. To which I must ask, WHEN ARE YOU EVER ENOUGH? Most of us will get a good 80 years to achieve what we want to achieve. We pretty much get to do whatever we want in our 80 years. If you didn't make enough recordings or sign with Naxos, then there must have been something else you wanted more than that, because you did something else instead. I understand that our circumstances are not all equal, our opportunities are varied, but still, priorities, people! If you're not happy where you are today, what are you doing to get yourself to where you want to be? And if you have done all you can do, sit back and realize, "I am enough!" I hope I can continue to act with purpose, achieving my goals. I hope I can be sympathetic to those friends of mine who will never be enough. I hope at some point they will realize that they are enough.

I'm Channeling Glenn Gould

2010-03-01T12:53:00.000-08:00

Today I was in the library looking for books about female jazz pianists, and who should I find staring at me out of the stacks but Glenn Gould himself! There is a coffee-table-style book called "Glenn Gould: A Life in Pictures" put out by Doubleday Canada. And GUESS WHAT??? It has endpapers with copies of his scores, and he has written ALL OVER THEM!!! I love you, Glenn Gould. I wish you had a happier more well-adjusted psyche, but I'm very grateful for the legacy you left to us listeners. Of course, Scott is the perfect man for me, and I'm the luckiest girl in the whole wide world to be his wife, but I wish I could have had a couple of dates with Glenn, back in the day, when he played in Russia.

Music Scores: To Mark or Not to Mark?

2010-02-26T12:30:00.000-08:00

I have always been taught to never write in my music scores in pen. When we were kids,we would only mark in our music in pencil, and then we'd erase all of the markings in the music every time we played for an adjudicator. This way, we'd be more likely to be able to pull the wool over their eyes because we wouldn't tip them off to our problem spots when they saw markings in our music. The sad part about this is that I don't get to have the souvenir of all my teacher's suggestions. One particular teacher made brilliant suggestions in my music, not to mention gorgeous handwriting, but now I don't have her suggestions since I always erased everything before an audition.

Now that I'm in graduate school, I don't see a need for a clean score, unless you just can't stand looking at your handwriting. In fact, at my last jury, I was not required to present scores of any of the music I played. They jury made their decision strictly on the sound and the effectiveness of the performance.

Nowadays, I write all over my music. Sometimes I even use a highlighting marker (Gasp! Yes! Ink!). I particularly like to make a note of fingerings, so I don't have to make them up all over again every time I practice. I think it makes for efficient note learning (especially in my level of playing, where 30 notes per second are flying by). I like to make a note of the harmonies or patterns that are going on in the music, to help me in memorization. These days, I even mark the date I learned a section, or a metronome marking at which I played the section to keep track of my progress. A little marking can be a journal of sorts, right there in your music. I see it as one more way to document all my hours of hard work on this intangible art which exists only in time.

Poety

2010-02-23T13:23:00.000-08:00

Today my brother sent me this beautiful poem:

Failing and Flying

by Jack Gilbert

Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.
It's the same when love comes to an end,
or the marriage fails and people say
they knew it was a mistake, that everybody
said it would never work. That she was
old enough to know better. But anything
worth doing is worth doing badly.
Like being there by that summer ocean
on the other side of the island while
love was fading out of her, the stars
burning so extravagantly those nights that
anyone could tell you they would never last.
Every morning she was asleep in my bed
like a visitation, the gentleness in her
like antelope standing in the dawn mist.
Each afternoon I watched her coming back
through the hot stony field after swimming,
the sea light behind her and the huge sky
on the other side of that. Listened to her
while we ate lunch. How can they say
the marriage failed? Like the people who
came back from Provence (when it was Provence)
and said it was pretty but the food was greasy.
I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell,
but just coming to the end of his triumph.

*******************************************

Wasn't that beautiful? I hope I can continue the way I have always tried to live: to give everything my all, even though it is hard, and even though I may not win, or succeed. I hope I can always suck the marrow out of life, and if I fail, I'll just be coming to the end of my triumph, like Icarus.

Now, the Bach Toccata in G Minor (No. 5!). Can you believe I have finally made a decision? Hooray!

I Win at Flowers!

2010-02-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I may have lost the concerto competition, but I always have the first flowers on my block! It helps that I have a sunny south-facing lot. Today I had a student cancel her lesson, so I spent about an hour after my teaching day out in the yard cutting down the old dead flowers from last year. I have crocuses BLOOMING, and my paper whites, tulips, daffodils, hyacinths, and soon to be lilies are all coming up. I can't wait to turn down Woodhaven and look at my house at the end of the street in full bloom! I can't wait to smell the hyacinths as I come up the walk. I still have a few more plants to trim up before it will be perfect, but when I saw color on those little crocuses, I knew it had to be done so everyone would say, "Look at Tawna's yard! It's full of flowers!" rather than, "Why doesn't Tawna clean up the dead leaves from last year out of her nasty yard?" It's going to be gorgeous, yet again. And if you want some purple salvia or orange daisies (both perennials!), come and get 'em, because within a few weeks, I'll be digging up the "volunteers" and throwing them in the trash. What a shame that would be. While you're here, you could take home a sprig of rosemary to season your supper (MMMM! I love how rosemary makes your hands smell). It always surprises me to see how much green is underneath all the dead matter. Maybe plants are kind of like people - kind of crusty on the outside but still soft and full of potential on the inside.

My Boy Glenn

2010-02-20T21:00:00.001-08:00

I have just discovered Glenn Gould. My goodness, could that man play the piano! And, a looker to boot. Here's a link to a blog entry about him, with a video clip that I've yet to watch, but plan to make time to youtube on my big screen this week.

http://rippleeffects.wordpress.com/2008/08/26/glenn-gould-the-russian-journey-2002-tv/

Back to the Bench

2010-02-19T13:26:00.000-08:00

Well, it didn't go as well as I hoped, but that said, I did play beautifully. My nerves got the better of me and I had a little memory slip. Whatever. I didn't get chosen, but I don't feel really bad about it. I'll still have other opportunities. I just think I need to have more performing experience. I think if I can perform it again several times, I'll do just fine. I really am quite new back to this memorization bit. My goal is to play it 7 times WELL with my teacher, and then 7 times WELL in front of people, and then I'll go play for the conductor of the orchestra I'd like to play for. That would make for a successful experience.

I had several friends come to hear me, and they all were very complimentary and enthusiastic about my playing. I have some of the best friends ever. I'm a pretty lucky girl, to have all this support and encouragement.

Now I'm choosing repertoire. There are seven Toccatas by J.S. Bach, and I want to choose one of those to learn over the summer, along with several of the Goyescas by Granados, and a Chopin Etude. Which are your favorites? Send me a youtube link!

The Eve of a Performance

2010-02-17T06:30:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is my competition. The days leading up to a performance always become exponentially more difficult for me. I start feeling really prepared, and then I'm not motivated at all to practice. I always feel like taking the day off. I know I have to keep my chops up, but I just want to sit around and eat bonbons. Then I feel a sense of impending doom since I'm not practicing, but I still can't get myself to put my butt on the bench! It's a real problem. Today the feeling is intensified, since my cushy artist bench is in the shop; it is soft and comfortable, but rickety and noisy, so something had to be done. I think I over-did it somewhat yesterday, not in length, but in volume, because my wrists are just a wee-bit sore today, and I have one fingernail that is kind of cutting into my skin. See? I have 100 reasons to stay off my bench this morning. I have a friend who offered to lend me her bench today; I'm going to take her up on it. On the up-side, I sound terrific! I played for my mom over speaker phone last night. She was dumbfounded. She was my first teacher, so she's got to be doubly proud of me. I'm going to play for a couple of friends today, and then I have a lesson. It should be a productive day, but look at me here, blogging, rather than practicing! I wonder how my competitors are spending today? I wonder if there is some biological reason I always want to waste the day before the performance; perhaps there is an advantage to resting up before going into battle? More than likely, I just have a short attention span.

Voodoo Doctor

2010-02-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

Today I went to see Bill, who practices "voodoo medicine". His prescription, after his treatment, was to recite the following: "I surrender to my feelings; I accept my intuition and love." I'm going to make a concerted effort to love more this week. I'm going to be forgiving and loving and generous of heart. Hopefully it will translate in my playing, and my "chi" will remain aligned!

Whatever Works...

2010-02-15T09:26:00.000-08:00

Today I'm going to have my chi re-aligned. I'm not sure how it works, but the good doctor pushes on my arms, taps my forehead, spine, and sternum, and somewhere in all of that I'm centered and happy with the world. I have had a crazy week, and it would be good to have strictly positive energy flowing through myself for this competition. I'm also hoping to have a pedicure, get a haircut, and buy a new dress. We'll see if I have time for all of that. I think it all adds up to make for a complete performance experience. At least my practicing has been thorough, so I'm not cramming to be prepared to play.

Healing, Moving On

2010-02-13T20:34:00.000-08:00

It's tricky, keeping a public blog! The events of the last week have been disappointing and inspiring, all at the same time.

I have had some great people come to my defense this week who had no personal interest in seeing me succeed, but who championed me, nonetheless. I want to be that kind of person. I want to be the person who is encouraging, who is an ally. Kind of like Jesus, lol!

This morning I was driving into school to do some practicing in the wee hours of the morning. I calculated the time zone difference from here to New York, and found myself dialing the phone number of one of my former teachers. It went to voicemail, so I hung up, not knowing what to say. What would I have said to him if he'd have picked up? I'd probably tell him that I was getting ready to compete in this competition, and that I'm having trouble moving past the controversy and all my defensive feelings. I'd have asked him how he handles those emotions in performance. I wondered what he'd have answered, but I think I already know. I think he would have said, forget it. Move on. Practice. Focus on the music. Play your heart out, because you can't do anything about the judges choice except to the very best you can, and even then, it doesn't guarantee you a win. Even so, it is comforting to have my mentors and friends speak the comforting and encouraging words.

When I'm an old lady, I hope when students think of me, they will know that they can call me for those kinds of words of support. I hope they will think, "What would Tawna say if I could talk to her before my performance?"

I hope I can play my heart out on Wednesday. I hope I can demonstrate all my love for my friends in my playing, especially the other competitors who will be there listening. I hope I can channel all the love and encouragement I've received from my superb teachers. I hope I can walk out on the stage and experience the love of the audience coming back toward me. Of course I'd like to WIN, but mainly, I want to have a positive performance experience. If I can feel the love when I'm on stage, I'll have succeeded.

Where Are All the Ladies?

2010-02-07T07:08:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about female musicians. Why aren't there more of us? I went to hear a jazz band the other night, comprised of five guys. How many jazz bands do you know that are comprised of five ladies? None. How many female jazz musicians do you know? I don't know any. How many FAMOUS female jazz musicians can you think of? You can probably count them on one hand. How about this: Female composers. Female arrangers. Touring Female Concert Artists. Here's an even tougher one: Touring Female Concert Artists With Growing Children. How many do you know? Zero. How about this one: Female college music faculty members with children? Zero.

When I first started this blog, I thought, "I'll blog about being a graduate music student and I'll run into all kinds of other women who are also pursuing their dreams." No such luck. I think there are not more than a dozen women like me in the whole country. A 30-something mother of three, trying to be a top-notch musician, going to school, practicing several hours a day. If you take out the school part, then I have a couple of friends who are like me. But I would have thought I would have found more of these ladies on blogspot. Maybe there are many other ladies like me, but musicians are dis-inclined from blogging for some reason. I doubt it. I think what I do is so demanding that women who are also mothers can't do music and motherhood simultaneously. It's sort of true; I didn't play much music until my youngest entered kindergarten. It helps that my husband works from home and cooks most of our meals. I have a good husband, who supports me in pursuing these dreams. What a guy. Thanks, Babe!

This post is by no means intended to insult my lady friends that are currently accounted for! I am simply looking to expand our "support group", of sorts.

Live Jazz!!

2010-02-05T22:00:00.000-08:00

Scott and I went to hear Sandon Mayhew's group play at the Gamekeeper tonight. Chuck Smith on keys, Rob Walker on cornet. I don't know the names of the drummer and bass player, but the new bass player is really good. Rob said they got him off of a cruise ship. He's great. He plays interesting solos. Sometimes he bows, sometimes he plays his bass like a guitar. He's a really creative player. The drummer tonight was great, especially his Latin stuff. And of course, Rob? Chuck? Sandon? Need I say more? They are awesome. I wish I could play jazz. Maybe I'll take some lessons from Chuck one of these days, when my masters program is finished. I got to talk to Chuck at length afterwords. He and Scott kind of exchanged words on their economic philosophies. Funny! But anyway, I love jazz. I love live music. I especially love sitting in a booth with Scott's arm around me and feeling the beat of a hopping tune. I love that those guys can get together and share their music with a crowd of people. I love hearing them interact. I love watching Sandon bring the guys in and tying together a piece after everyone solos. I love hearing Rob give a solo of just one note here and there (ok, it's not really a solo, but I don't know what to call it, and it makes me laugh when he does it). I love hearing Sandon solo in minor 9ths above what Chuck is playing (also very funny!). I love jazz. I love it when I know the tunes and can sing along because no one can hear me because it's so loud. I love this bass player who played on cruise ships but who now lives in Boise and is willing to play for pennies in the Gamekeeper lounge. I have a great life.

p.s. I received the greatest compliment of my career today from my teacher; he told me I sound like his teacher, who was also the same teacher of two of my other favorite teachers. What an honor! I'd better practice, and make it true!

Raise your hand

2010-02-04T18:54:00.000-08:00

Raise your hand if you can show me what an inverted enharmonic Neapolitan 6th chord is! Today I spotted one right off in my theory class, and I felt so intelligent. My teacher was stunned by my knowledge. So was I! I love it when the gears all are turning together.

I May Have a Chance!

2010-02-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

Today I got all the way through my concerto from memory without stopping, accompanied by my teacher!! He even let me play it up to speed, which is a HUGE compliment, since I've been playing at 1/2 tempo with the metronome for several weeks. I think I may have a chance at this thing! The preliminaries are in 2 weeks, followed the next week by the finals, in which they choose a bunch of people from all the instruments and singers to play concertos and arias with the Boise State University Symphony Orchestra. I feel great about my playing. It's been so much WORK, but it will be so worth it if I can play it with an orchestra. I've never played a concerto with an orchestra before. That would be a landmark achievement for me. I hope Dr. Purdy likes Rachmaninoff!

My Newest Thrill

2010-01-25T20:55:00.000-08:00

It's called the "Next Blog" button, folks! Try it. It's at the top left of your screen. I am not very blog savvy. I wish I were. I wish I could find countless blogs of middle-aged women studying music in graduate school. Alas, I don't know how to search for these things. I wish dozens of women like me could read my blog and comment about how they relate to what I'm doing. But hardly anyone reads my blog. I thought, "If I start reading and following other people's blogs, maybe someone will start reading mine." I know, it's a long shot, and I'll probably always wish for and never have a really strong blog following, but in the meanwhile, I'm really enjoying "Next Blog". I have stumbled across some really freaky stuff (not good, lol), but I've found some great blogs, too. I found a guy who posts videos of his rock band. I kind of like them! I will follow him anonymously, though. I found a lady who drives a bus in Minneapolis and blogs about all her adventures; I really relate to this one, since I took the bus to school and back every day for 4 years (yuck). I found a blog of a pretty good artist. I have read about people who test pans for All Clad (How cool is that??). I am really enjoying it. Something funny about this is all the Mormon moms who are bloggers. You can tell right away that they're Mormons, and they very often have quite clever entries. Maybe I need to post a temple photo on my blog? Just kidding. It wouldn't quite go with my nude Apollo sculpture. This blog is about music. LOL It's late. I'll stop there.

Progress

2010-01-23T06:41:00.000-08:00

It seems like it must be time for another post. Last week I passed my Music History Predictive! Mostly. There were three big sections, with three subsections each. If you fail one of the big sections, you have to re-take the corresponding undergraduate music history course. Worst case scenario, re-take three semesters of undergraduate music history. I studied really hard for the renaissance section, and hoped some of my life experience would come through for me and I'd pass portions of the others, which I did. I passed 7 out of 9 sections altogether. I'm going to have to re-take one portion of the classical section and one portion of the 20th century section. I think if both of the sections I failed were in the same era, I'd probably have had to re-take one of the classes. This is a very good thing, because if you haven't passed the history requirement, you aren't allowed to register for your graduate recital, so it would conceivably have extended my program by a $emester. I'm very pleased with myself for doing so well!

Now, I'm getting ready for the concerto/aria competition. Last semester I learned the Rachmaninoff Concerto No. 4 in G Minor. The competition is a month away. I have it mostly memorized, but still have a ways to go. Listen to how cool my teacher is: He's going to play through my concerto with me every day next week. Normally we meet twice a week. Next week, we'll meet five times. I'm so grateful! He said, "You just need a jump start." Talk about incentive to practice. I'm going to have to make noticeable progress every day next week. Yowza. Think how great I'll be a week from today! Don't you just love Rachmaninoff?

Grace

2010-01-10T06:51:00.000-08:00

Here's a beautiful poem I found on Writer's Almanac this morning. I read it, and I knew it was about a real woman! I have many such friends. I am in awe of what it takes to be a woman and maintain any semblance of a practice schedule, because usually, unlike this poem, mommies don't get to practice for 3 hours straight; they usually accomplish their work 15 minutes at a time, in between solving the troubles of their little children. Enjoy!

Grace
by Frannie Lindsay

Praise my plain young mother for leaving
her husband's bed at four in the morning
fumbling around for her bifocals
carting her stained velour slippers
down the raw-grained stairs not tying
her robe sliding her violin from between
the magazine rack and the firewood
easing past the mantelpiece scattered
with wedding portraits

praise the caked galoshes drying beside
the basement door swollen away
from its frame and the top step's narrow slat
praise her large bare feet
their tough and knotty bunions
the cool of her hand on her sheet music
praise the scotch tape on the spine
of her Bach and its weakening glue
her penciled maiden name

praise the steadfast ladderback chair
and the music stand there in the basement
the set tubs the damp socks
and undershirts draped too close
to her shoulders praise her shoulders
limber and painless for three brief hours
praise the rosin's glide down her bow
the throaty fifths the sacrament
of her tuning

praise the measure she counted aloud
and the downbeat's breath-lunge
praise her calloused and lovely fingerpads
the noteprints the sixty-watt bulb
the mud-plashed screen through which
the unsorrowing ends of the night slipped in
and although she did not ask to be touched
praise how they lifted up the brittle
wisps of her perm.

Becoming Blog Savvy

2010-01-10T06:38:00.000-08:00

Occasionally I get messages from people such as the following: "I can't figure out how to follow your blog." Or, "I can't figure out how to leave a comment on your blog." Since I love followers, and I love comments, this is a little disappointing, in addition to being a puzzlement. I was just recently looking at a blog entry that someone posted a link to on FB. I clicked on the linked, read the entry, and went to find the "Follow" button. It wasn't there! BUT, when I SIGNED IN, and went back to the page, I could both "Follow" and "Post a Comment". So if you don't have a blog-spot login, go ahead and create an account and join me in blogging bliss!

E.S.P. or Serendipity?

2010-01-06T18:12:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the coolest experience! My brother called. We used to play piano duets together all the time. We did a full recital together every year for nearly 10 years. We even were featured on the local news once. He called me and here's how the conversation went:

L: "I was just driving down the road, minding my own business, when GUESS what they played on the classical radio station? Guess! You'll never guess!"
Me: "What? I'll never guess. Tell me."
L: "Just guess!"
Me: "Ummmm, Samuel Barber's Souvenirs for piano, four hands."

And would you know, I was RIGHT!!! We just wailed and laughed and laughed, that I was able to guess this very obscure piece of music that we played once together, probably 20 years ago. I haven't heard it or played it since. Last week I had been looking through my duet music, choosing duets for my piano students, and had stumbled across my score that I was able to pick up on sale a couple of years ago. What are the chances that I would have that piece on my mind, and that he would hear it on the radio and call me, and I would KNOW that was what he was experiencing, too? When we used to play together, we had something special; we could anticipate what the other would do without even having to signal the other. In fact, in practicing, we would sometimes stop in the middle and start at the same place without even discussing it. We totally had E.S.P. (extrasensory perception, telepathy, precognition, whatever you want to call it), and you know, maybe we still do. I have played with a lot of people, and I have never come close to finding what I had with my brother, in terms of really knowing what the other was going to do without cues. It would be fun to play those pieces together again, now that we are older and know how music oughta sound.

Do any of you experience this within your musical ensembles? I'd love to write a book about this someday. Tell me your stories.

Back to the Grind

2009-12-27T14:35:00.001-08:00

Well, my friends, Christmas is over (sort of). I'm back to work on my studying for my music history predictive exam, which will be on January the 14th (I think). It's a great big test. I counted 280 items that I have to explain and date and name the nationality for (composers, forms, terms, publications, compositions). It's kind of like getting ready to pass the bar. I've just been studying for about 90 minutes, and I got 10 flashcards prepared. I haven't really STUDIED concepts, just gathered some information so I can study it eventually. I have about 85/280 flashcards now. It's slow going. I took about 3 days off for Christmas, but I have to get back to work now!

Scott and I watched "Julie and Julia" again last night. I was inspired. Julia Child inspires me to just keep on working toward my goal of being the best that I can be. I loved Julie's story, as well, reaching out toward people who might have a common interest by way of her little blog. Is anyone out there? I wonder if anyone reads this.

Kevin is home for another week, and everyone (but me) goes back to school in a week. It's kind of a tricky thing to balance my time over the break, because everyone is home on vacation, but this really can't be a vacation for me. I need to keep working toward passing this exam, and I should be practicing, as well. I've been working on learning Granados' "El Pelele." Do you know it? Youtube it. It's a very happy and DIFFICULT piece. I'm working hard, and making a tiny bit of progress at a time - just like Julie and Julia.

Choosing a Piano Teacher

2009-12-23T14:08:00.000-08:00

I have to shake my head when the biggest determining factor in choosing a music teacher becomes proximity. I want to say, "OK, I guess we'll talk in 5 or 6 years when you have paid out several thousand dollars to an ineffective teacher and you still can't play." As if I had room for one more student anyway, which I don't.

I almost posted that on FaceBook, and then realized it sounded really pouty. Even so, what they probably mean is that they can't afford me, which is silly, because they are throwing their money away to these neighbor ladies that know NOTHING. Can I express to you how many times I have tried to pick up the pieces when a child has had years of BAD TRAINING? It's impossible to do: like Humpty Dumpty. Let's just say that this phrase has NEVER been uttered by my students: "I took piano lessons for 6 years and I still know nothing." How many times have people said that to me about the neighbor lady they studied with? COUNTLESS. I need to come up with a tactful way of saying that to the parents who call inquiring about lessons.

On a lighter note, I got a 3.9 this semester. I'm pretty proud of myself. I wonder why I couldn't get a 4.0? I did SOOO much homework for that Theory credit, which was one credit hour and cost me my 4.0. Probably 5-10 hours a week. Oh well. I'm going to be happy with a 3.9. That's the highest grade point I've ever earned.

Food for Thought

2009-12-19T09:33:00.000-08:00

Benjamin Franklin said, "If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth the writing."

I think blogging, or journaling, or any kind of record keeping persuades a person to live a better life (as this quote implies!). Love it!

This poem in no way reflects my life at the present moment

2009-12-14T18:49:00.000-08:00

I love this poem, even though it is irrelevant to me.

The Tulips

by Ricky Ian Gordon

The tulips at that perfect place
crane their necks with liquid grace
like swans who circling, collide
within the lake this vase provides.

They stood like soldiers, stiff, before
as if they had been called to war.
In two days more, when petals fall,
I will entomb them in the hall

with trash; the morning's coffee grinds,
old newspapers, and lemon rinds.
It's bitter that such loveliness
should come to this,
could come to this.

But now their purpleness ignites
the room with incandescent lights.
Their stamens reach their yellow tongues
to lick the air into their lungs
through stems attached to whitish manes.
The pistil stains.

And even though there are no bees
about the room for them to please,
I take them in like honey dew-
and buzzing now,
I think of you...

I think of you who bought me these,
at least,
I wish you had,
as that might ease the ache
of passing hours.
A love is dying, like these flowers.

Where's Apollo When I Need Him?

2009-12-14T11:32:00.000-08:00

Well friends, my jury is over. It was kind of a saga.

I tend to have some troubles with my nerves, so I was very careful to plan out my morning and have plenty of time to breathe and feel centered before I performed. I arrived at the music building at about 9:30am. I had an hour to practice, so I played through everything really slowly, being careful to warm up but not wear out. I took my yoga mat with me and did some sun salutations while listening to soothing music. Then I listened through my program while studying my scores. All this while I'm doing my ujay breathing, and imagining myself giving a wonderful performance, loving the music and having great success. I changed into my concert clothes and put on my coat and gloves (I'm always so cold right before I play), put my headphones on with Kathleen Battle's "Azulao" and "So Many Stars" which always give me such a feeling of abundance, and sat quietly in the hallway waiting for my turn to play.

When they called me in to play, I went down onto the stage and announced my pieces and sat on the bench and took a few more cleansing breaths and played my first two pieces ("Down a Country Lane" and "Midsummer Nocturne" by Copland) with finesse and grace. Then came the Chopin F Minor Ballade. I began it with astounding beauty! The opening is a bit tricky, with a crescendo in the right hand simultaneously with a diminuendo in the left hand. I handled it with perfect artistry. I played with unmatched technic and yet with tremendous love and sensitivity. And then, suddenly, I realized that I had skipped seven pages! Horrors! What to do? I could stop and ask permission to start over, when they were already running behind. That would never do. I decided I had just better finish stronger than ever and make the rest of it very convincing, which I did, thundering down the final run and finishing with a bang.

I took my hands off the keyboard and looked up at my teacher who was sitting in the auditorium. He looked at me with an ever so slight smile on his face. I couldn't look away. There I sat, pleading with my eyes for forgiveness, and yet using every ounce of control not to burst into tears or laughter. "Thank you," he said. I stood and walked the flight of 45 stairs out of the door of the auditorium with tremendous dignity. He followed me out into the hallway.

He said, "That was the most seamless cut I've ever heard! Only, you skipped your favorite part!" He had nice things to say about my playing. I'm not sure if the other teachers noticed or not. I guess I handled it the best way I could have. Well, it's over. I can't take it back. In a performance, you don't start over. You finish, which I did. I finished and kept my game face (more or less). If I were a composer or a writer or an artist, I could create a thing and there it would be for the rest of eternity. Music performance is different, because it only exists in time. It's quite a dilemma to become good at it, because it necessitates having an audience to listen to you time after time so you can get used to the nerves. It's been a lot of years since I was in the swing of performing from memory in public. All I can do is try again. But I do have to say, that I have come a long way this semester. I memorized about 500 measures worth of NEW music, and I'm performing from memory in public again. My hands feel good: my technic is coming along. And best of all, I've spent hundreds of hours practicing Chopin and Rachmaninoff. What could be better than that? Maybe next time Apollo will smile on me.

The Gods Have Smiled

2009-12-04T20:16:00.001-08:00

I finally did it! I passed my Theory Predictive Exam. I'm sure my friends are all sick of listening to me worry and complain about it, but now I just got word today that I passed. I took it once early this fall, and didn't pass, so I had to take the Theory Review class that taught us everything we were supposed to learn in our entire undergraduate theory experience in just one semester. I knew a lot of it, but the most difficult things felt like I was hearing them for the first time, so it was really a challenge for me. If I didn't pass it, I would have had to go back and start again in Freshman Theory, which would be not fun and very embarrassing. Passing this test was a pre-requisite for registering for everything else, so I feel like the gods have smiled on me.

"Which Gods?" you ask. Apollo, of course! He was the Greek god of music and the arts. Boy, did I enjoy the time I spent in Greece. I'm hoping that he will continue to smile on me and help me to remember everything I learned, so I will not be in the same boat if I every decide to go to graduate school. Isn't this a wonderful image of him? Statues like this one are part of the reason the Greeks were chastised in the New Testament. Maybe I'll go to lunch at my favorite Greek restaurant next week to celebrate finishing my first semester of graduate school.

"I can live two months on a good compliment." - Mark Twain

2009-11-22T20:30:00.000-08:00

I received the nicest compliment tonight! I was at my stake choir rehearsal, for which I am the accompanist. I was dreading going, somewhat, because I have SOOO much homework to do, including applying for a scholarship which deadline is fast approaching. One of the ladies said to me, "My dream is to play the piano as well as you. I have not played in 15 years, but because of you I got out my hymnbook and I'm playing again."

WOW!! Isn't that nice? I hope I can always play my best, because you never know who you're going to effect. I just LOVE that she told me this! She could have just admired me from afar, but it REALLY boosts my self-esteem and the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing when someone comes forth and speaks up.

I also played in Sacrament Meeting today. I played a Crawford Gates arrangement of "We Gather Together." I was SOOO nervous, and was really fighting the nerves as my hands were shaking, but I got a lot of nice compliments on that performance, too. When I finished, Brother Browne who was speaking after me, looked right at me and said with a big smile and all sincerity, "Sister Love! I wish you could have seen the peaceful looks on the faces of the people as they listened to your beautiful music." To see the look on his face was like eating cake. He had enjoyed my playing so much, and it means the world to me when people have an emotional response to my music.

Choosing Repertoire

2009-11-22T05:58:00.000-08:00

Well, friends, I haven't kept track of my practice hours, and sadly, they have dwindled as I have finished memorizing my jury pieces. But now it's time to start working toward getting ready for the next semester, so I'll be prepared for lessons come January. I'm trying to decide what I should learn next.

I need to learn a sonata, and I've been stewing about which one to learn. A sonata is a major multi-movement work, usually 10-20 minutes long. It's a big commitment to learn one, because it takes a long time to learn one and you'd better like it because you are going to spend 6-18 months getting it ready.

My graduate recital is supposed to be one hour long and include works from three historical periods (Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Impressionistic, Contemporary).

Here are my concerns:

1. I want to like the music.
2. I want the average Joe in the audience to be able to "get" the music.
3. I want the music to be of such a level of difficulty that it is appropriate for competitions/doctoral auditions (for instance, I don't think I could in good conscience put "Claire de Lune" on my program, as beautiful as it is).

In spite of all of this, there are some wonderful pieces of music that I really want to learn that I'm not sure whether they satisfy concern #3. I hope someday I can earn a doctoral degree. However, what if I don't? What if my hand gets caught in a meat grinder and I never play again? What if I get hit by a bus and am paralyzed from the neck down? What if my hands get blown off in a hunting accident? I want this program to be music that I've ALWAYS wanted to learn, and may never have another chance at. This puts me in a position where I may have to compromise on #3. I feel like I'm slightly at odds with my teacher over this.

Here's what I have so far:

Chopin Ballade #4 in f minor (11:30) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D_PBTGfhWD8 followed by http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QLyumz2jMZY
Copland Down a Country Lane (2:06) and Midsummer Nocturne (2:00)(not on my list of favorites, but learned out of necessity to satisfy jury requirements), and
Barber's Excursion #3 to complete the little American set(3:23): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0-6LdUTX8xg
Granados El Pelele (4:13): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghQxWLvRz7s (probably my next project to learn)

Here's what I WANT to learn:

Beethoven Sonata Op. 2 No. 3
Allegro (10:31) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf0olqfc9V0 (I love this recording!)
Adagio (8:39) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euDNSrT2Z8M&feature=related
Scherzo (2:54) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWGqND-nZTw&feature=related
Allegro (5:18) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Qb5f1fTKdw&feature=related (inhuman clarity on this recording!)

That leaves 10 more minutes, so I'll learn more Spanish music to finish it. My teacher has extensive experience with the piano music of Spain, having worked with the legendary Alecia de Larrocha. It only makes sense to capitalize on this experience and learn from his area of expertise.

The only trouble is, after I've learned all of this, it's really terrible programming. You can't really begin a program with a 30 minute sonata, and the Ballade really should be last. SO I guess I'll chalk it up to practicality and do it anyway.

What are YOUR favorite sonatas?

It's been a good practice day!

2009-10-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

How many hours have I practice today? I'm not sure. It's really hard to keep track when you do it all piecemeal. But tonight I sat down after dinner to play through everything one last time. I'm about halfway memorized on Chopin's 4th Ballade, and about 3/4 memorized on Rachmaninoff's 4th piano concerto. For the third piece for my jury, I'm preparing "Midsummer's Nocturne" by Copland. I was thrilled when I finished practicing and my husband chimed, "You sound great!" He almost never compliments my playing, so I felt that was a real compliment. And I will say, I'm sounding great.

I have a new practice strategy that some of you might want to try. Because of the studies that I've read stating the value of mental practice, and that mental practice is almost more helpful than actual physical practice, I've decided to include it in my practice strategy in a more deliberate way. Some of you know that I practice my music in small sections (1/2 a measure to 4 measures, depending on the difficulty of the music). Usually I try to play each section 10 times perfectly before I move on to the next section. With memorization, this is very helpful for me. So I decided to take lucky 3 and lucky 7 and do mental practice on the 3rd and 7th time through a section. I don't always remember to, but when I do, I think it's helpful. It gives my hands a chance to rest, and gives me more focus for all the other times. Give it a try and tell me what you think.

Magnum Opus

2009-09-30T12:49:00.001-07:00

Yesterday in my Music Research class, the question was posed, "Why do research?" Some of the class members seemed to ask, "Why, indeed?" I'm interested in doing research, but also in doing many other creative musical projects. Why? Because there's so much that needs to be done, and if I have an idea of something that "someone" should do, that probably means that I should be the one to do it! Such as a subject that should be explored, or a book that should be written, or a workshop that would be valuable, or an album that should be recorded, or a piece that should be arranged. Why would we want to take the time to do these things? So you don't go along living a meaningless life! Not that teaching lessons and playing concerts isn't meaningful, but because we can do MORE that is even more lasting. We can contribute to how people think about music and how music is taught. So where does one start? In the words of the old Mormon song, "Go and do something today!" What will your Magnum Opus be? I have some ideas of several projects I'd like to complete at some point. It has been suggested that you write a hypothetical obituary, and use that for a starting point on formulating some long term goals. What do you want to be remembered for doing? It takes a lifetime to accomplish your lifework, so we'd better get busy! Meanwhile, I'm going to graduate with honors from this master's program.

Musical Self-Indulgence

2009-09-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

It was recently suggested that I am guilty of "musical self-indulgence". What in the world do you think that means? I'm just guessing, but I think it might have to do with the frequency of my use of rubato and agogic accents. What do you think would characterize a performance containing musical self-indulgence?

A Full Day Yesterday

2009-09-27T06:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday after practicing for 3 hours I did two papers for Pedagogy. For the first paper, I had to observe a first year student and describe some of the teaching technics I saw. I observed my long-time friend Juli Draney and she was fantastic! The second paper was an outline of a first lesson with a new student. My observations of Juli were so helpful that I ripped of a lot of her ideas for my first lesson outline. I was really impressed with the way Juli teaches technic. I was quite surprised to hear her lesson with a couple of students (siblings) who were on lesson 3 and they had yet to crack open their method books. I don't think I could teach that way, but it appears that she gives a tremendously thorough foundation in technic in those 3 weeks. I wish I could send all my students to her for technic, and then have them back and teach them the rest myself! I got an A on both of my papers!

Now, I get to go to church and come back and do my reading for Music Research which will prepare me to go do an Oral History interview tomorrow morning. Oh yeah, and 5 more pages of Theory! And practicing. Always practicing. Life is good. Maybe my Pedagogy grade will balance out my Theory grade.

Practicing

2009-09-26T11:34:00.001-07:00

Have you heard the theory that it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something? I wonder how many hours I have practiced the piano. I'm pretty sure I've put in 10,000 hours in my life so far, but I think I'll start really keeping track of the hours that I practice. It would be fun to know how many hours of practice I spent in this graduate degree. Yesterday I put in 4 hours. This morning I spent 3 hours. There will be more before the day is out. Wouldn't it be cool if there were an application I could put on this blog that would count the hours I practiced? It never seems to be enough, but if I could look at my accumulated hours and see that I had put in 30,000 hours so far, perhaps I could feel like I had done enough.

This Theory Class Will Be the Death of Me

2009-09-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

I spent 5 hours working on my theory class last night. I got it half way finished, and still have about 5 more handwritten pages of part-writing to finish. This is for two credit hours. Wouldn't you say that is excessive? In the meanwhile, I still need to come up with 3-5 hours a day to practice the piano. I need a nap. I got an A- on my last assignment. I don't know what grades the other students are getting. It's difficult. Remember my first post where I lamented not having passed the predictive exam? THIS is why.

Enough of the whining already! Don't you just love youtube? Youtube is the best. I love watching piano videos. It has changed my whole perspective as a musician, student and teacher. I love youtube!

Learning by Example

2009-09-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I laid down for a good long nap - we're talking 3 hours. Bliss! I needed it. I have found that even though I'm not getting less hours of sleep at night, the hours of focused concentration during the day make me more tired as the week progresses. By Sunday, I need my nap more than ever.

Anyhow, my dear sweet daughters spent that three hours doing who knows what. I woke up and decided to take advantage of a lazy afternoon and do some piano practicing before supper. So I sat down at the piano and five minutes hadn't gone by before my dear sweet daughter came in and wanted to practice her guitar. Now, unlike my piano, her guitar is very portable, but of course, she likes to sit on the special chair in my piano room to do her practicing. She asks "How long are you going to be?" I tell her, "About 30 minutes." I'm thinking, Come on now, I need to practice! Take your guitar upstairs! But I know she won't. She likes the special chair. So she quietly sets up her music stand and gets her guitar and sits on the chair, prepared to wait the 30 minutes till I'm through. So I just quit and let her practice. She was being so patiently and well behaved.

She wants to give a recital. She has made a list of the pieces she knows, and is attempting to narrow down her list to find just the right grouping for a nice recital. I'm paying good money for her lessons, so I think it's great that she wants to practice. I'm proud that she's setting goals and that she wants to practice, but it's kind of funny that she only thinks to do it when I'M sitting down at the piano.

It's a great lesson in setting an example for your children. They want to be like us, whether we want them to or not. My son is off to college this year to study music education, as much as I encouraged him to study his math and become an engineer. Sinichi Suzuki really had something when he recommended that the mother learn the instrument along with the student. If I want my kids to practice, the surefire way to get them to NEED to practice is for me to sit down at my instrument and wish for some uninterrupted time.

Satisfaction of a Job Well Done

2009-09-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

I'm a rather recent fan of Dave Ramsey's money management radio show. Today he was talking with a veteran. The man had been injured in Afghanistan and was retired from the military. He was wondering whether he could exist on his social security and military money, or whether he should re-enter the work force. Of course, his wife wanted him to go back to work. Dave Ramsey acknowleged that not being a veteran, he didn't know much about how it feels to come home from an experience like that, but that he imagined that there was tremendous satisfaction and pride that come from doing a job well that mattered very much. His advice was to find something to do that mattered, and do it well so he could continue to have that feeling of satisfaction that comes from looking back over a day's work and a job well done. He said that this feeling would bless his relationships and his spirituality as well as his finances.

How does this apply to being a piano hero, you ask?

Well, all my life I've had to work hard. From a very early age (we're talking 4th grade) I had to earn money to pay for everything I owned: clothes, shoes, glasses, girls camp, hairspray, you name it, I paid for it. I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I feel resentment and self-pity that I wasn't born to parents who could provide better for me. But on the other hand, I proud that I did pretty well for myself, being such a little girl with such big demands. Now I'm an adult, with a husband who makes a good income, and he'd probably prefer that I was happy to stay home and clean house and bake cookies. But I think my childhood of hard work got me accustomed to the feeling of satisfaction of a job well done when I did something hard. Maybe that's the reason I feel the need to do these big projects all the time. Perhaps I crave that feeling of satisfaction. I've always wondered why I schedule myself so heavily, putting so many demands on myself, when I could just stay home and paint my toenails. It does feel good to meet a challenge. Perhaps some day I could develop that feeling of satisfaction that comes from cleaning house. I'm still waiting.

"...and God saw that it was good."

2009-09-16T07:28:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about God and the creation of the earth. God created the earth and all the beautiful plants and animals, and finally Adam and Eve. "And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good." (Genesis 1:31)

To me, this is a lesson in gratitude and self acceptance. God didn't say, "Well, personally I think it's great, but I don't want to say so and make my other god-friends think I think so much of myself." I think we are sometimes afraid to be happy with our progress. It's simply not the fashion to accept oneself. But God himself gives us a model: if we achieve our goals, it's OK to look upon it and say, "Look what I did! I finished what I set out to do! Rejoice with me!"

It seems that when I look around at my music friends who are struggling to create beauty, all we can see is our warts. Nowhere in Genesis does God say, "I accidentally created mosquitoes and pimples, so it's all for naught." He looked at the whole and saw that it was very good. I'm going to try to be like him: in music, in my family, in my housework, in my diet and exercise, and in my marriage. I'm going to try to look for the good of the whole and accept my best efforts as good.

A Beautiful Poem

2009-09-10T19:08:00.000-07:00

Here's something from Mary Oliver:

My work is loving the world.
Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird —
equal seekers of sweetness.
Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.
Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.

Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?
Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me
Keep my mind on what matters,
which is my work

which is mostly standing still and learning to be astonished.

—from "Messenger" in Thirst (2006)

Theory

2009-09-09T19:23:00.000-07:00

I got an A I got an A I got an A I got an A!

I always feel like I barely understand what's expected of us in this class, and I got an A on my 2nd assignment! When the teacher handed me my assignment, I'm afraid my reaction was not very dignified. It was something between relief and rejoicing and happy tears. I'm sure my 22-year old classmates think I'm an old bat. But I got an A!

On Music

2009-09-09T15:27:00.000-07:00

by Walter Savage Landor:

Many love music but for music's sake,
Many because her touches can awake
Thoughts that repose within the breast half-dead,
And rise to follow where she loves to lead.
What various feelings come from days gone by!
What tears from far-off sources dim the eye!
Few, when light fingers with sweet voices play
And melodies swell, pause, and melt away,
Mind how at every touch, at every tone,
A spark of life hath glistened and hath gone.

What do you think this poem means? It is in the front of a book called "Rise to Follow" by Albert Spalding, a violinist from the early 20th century. I kind of like it, and it's growing on me, but I prefer actual rhyming in poetry, and this poem contains two visual rhymes, which I like less. Well, here I go off to my Theory Review class. I enjoy my classmates quite a bit. The rest... well, here I go.

Advancing Confidently in the Direction of my Dreams

2009-09-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

Last night Scott and I went to see "Julie & Julia", a film that tells the story of a girl who decides to cook her way through Julia Child's French cookbook and then writes about it on her blog. It tells the story of how Julia Child came in her midlife (well into her 40's) to decide out of boredom to learn to cook, and eventually write a cookbook. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie!

I came away renewed in my confidence that I can do great things. Years ago I read Irving Stone's "Lust for Life", a book about Vincent van Gogh, who didn't begin to practice art until well into his adult life. I was stunned to learn that van Gogh had several other careers before devoting himself to his art. It seems that there is a notion that if you haven't mastered a thing by the time you are 20 years, that it is too late for you do succeed. "Julie & Julia" reinforced my confidence that I have a lifetime ahead of me to progress in any area, but particularly in my music. Here's my favorite quote (of late!):

"If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours." - Thoreau

School Starts Tomorrow

2009-08-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my big day. I have my first piano lesson, a piano pedagogy class, and Introduction to Music Research, then a theory class on Wednesday. I've been working up Chopin's 4th Ballade to play for my lesson. I've decided to work up a doctoral audition for my senior recital. I need to choose some Bach. Any ideas, anyone? It has to include a fugue.

Today I bought my parking permit, to the tune of $265!! Can you believe what it costs just to park your car? I got set up with my student ID card, as well, so now I can get student pricing on tickets everywhere. Woohoo!

Tomorrow's the Big Day

2009-08-18T23:07:00.001-07:00

I'm going back to school! I have decided to start a blog to document this exciting journey. Tomorrow I will be taking my Theory Predictive Exam in order to determine whether I'll have to take a bunch of theory classes. I've been studying for 2 weeks, and school still doesn't even start till next week! I'm practicing, too, to get ready for my piano lessons that also start next week.

Do you like the name of my blog? Memoires of a Piano Hero? My friend said I'd do fine on the test, because I am "Awesomeness Personified". Wow. What a nice compliment! Also, I found a facebook "flair" that said "Piano Hero" instead of "Guitar Hero" (like the video game). Although, rather than to be a hero at a game where you PRETEND to do something, I want to be your ACTUAL piano hero, as I am playing the piano in actuality! Something I have found from my efforts in exercise and fitness is that if you want to achieve something, you have to act as if you are already in that place. For instance, if you want to have a runner's body, you have to do some running, and go to bed at night (still working on that one), and eat in such a way that it will support your exercise. At any rate, I want to be a piano hero. So what do you think I should do, besides practicing endlessly, to become a piano hero? I'd love to hear your ideas. For sure, going to bed earlier (to facilitate 5a.m. practicing) would help. I was on the Julliard website, and they say they want their students thinking IN music, not just ABOUT music. I hope the next two years will transform me into something heroic! I'm terrified and excited, all at once. Wish me luck!