Voodoo Doctor

Today I went to see Bill, who practices "voodoo medicine". His prescription, after his treatment, was to recite the following: "I surrender to my feelings; I accept my intuition and love." I'm going to make a concerted effort to love more this week. I'm going to be forgiving and loving and generous of heart. Hopefully it will translate in my playing, and my "chi" will remain aligned!

Whatever Works...

Today I'm going to have my chi re-aligned. I'm not sure how it works, but the good doctor pushes on my arms, taps my forehead, spine, and sternum, and somewhere in all of that I'm centered and happy with the world. I have had a crazy week, and it would be good to have strictly positive energy flowing through myself for this competition. I'm also hoping to have a pedicure, get a haircut, and buy a new dress. We'll see if I have time for all of that. I think it all adds up to make for a complete performance experience. At least my practicing has been thorough, so I'm not cramming to be prepared to play.

Healing, Moving On

It's tricky, keeping a public blog! The events of the last week have been disappointing and inspiring, all at the same time.

I have had some great people come to my defense this week who had no personal interest in seeing me succeed, but who championed me, nonetheless. I want to be that kind of person. I want to be the person who is encouraging, who is an ally. Kind of like Jesus, lol!

This morning I was driving into school to do some practicing in the wee hours of the morning. I calculated the time zone difference from here to New York, and found myself dialing the phone number of one of my former teachers. It went to voicemail, so I hung up, not knowing what to say. What would I have said to him if he'd have picked up? I'd probably tell him that I was getting ready to compete in this competition, and that I'm having trouble moving past the controversy and all my defensive feelings. I'd have asked him how he handles those emotions in performance. I wondered what he'd have answered, but I think I already know. I think he would have said, forget it. Move on. Practice. Focus on the music. Play your heart out, because you can't do anything about the judges choice except to the very best you can, and even then, it doesn't guarantee you a win. Even so, it is comforting to have my mentors and friends speak the comforting and encouraging words.

When I'm an old lady, I hope when students think of me, they will know that they can call me for those kinds of words of support. I hope they will think, "What would Tawna say if I could talk to her before my performance?"

I hope I can play my heart out on Wednesday. I hope I can demonstrate all my love for my friends in my playing, especially the other competitors who will be there listening. I hope I can channel all the love and encouragement I've received from my superb teachers. I hope I can walk out on the stage and experience the love of the audience coming back toward me. Of course I'd like to WIN, but mainly, I want to have a positive performance experience. If I can feel the love when I'm on stage, I'll have succeeded.

Where Are All the Ladies?

I've been thinking about female musicians. Why aren't there more of us? I went to hear a jazz band the other night, comprised of five guys. How many jazz bands do you know that are comprised of five ladies? None. How many female jazz musicians do you know? I don't know any. How many FAMOUS female jazz musicians can you think of? You can probably count them on one hand. How about this: Female composers. Female arrangers. Touring Female Concert Artists. Here's an even tougher one: Touring Female Concert Artists With Growing Children. How many do you know? Zero. How about this one: Female college music faculty members with children? Zero.

When I first started this blog, I thought, "I'll blog about being a graduate music student and I'll run into all kinds of other women who are also pursuing their dreams." No such luck. I think there are not more than a dozen women like me in the whole country. A 30-something mother of three, trying to be a top-notch musician, going to school, practicing several hours a day. If you take out the school part, then I have a couple of friends who are like me. But I would have thought I would have found more of these ladies on blogspot. Maybe there are many other ladies like me, but musicians are dis-inclined from blogging for some reason. I doubt it. I think what I do is so demanding that women who are also mothers can't do music and motherhood simultaneously. It's sort of true; I didn't play much music until my youngest entered kindergarten. It helps that my husband works from home and cooks most of our meals. I have a good husband, who supports me in pursuing these dreams. What a guy. Thanks, Babe!

This post is by no means intended to insult my lady friends that are currently accounted for! I am simply looking to expand our "support group", of sorts.

Live Jazz!!

Scott and I went to hear Sandon Mayhew's group play at the Gamekeeper tonight. Chuck Smith on keys, Rob Walker on cornet. I don't know the names of the drummer and bass player, but the new bass player is really good. Rob said they got him off of a cruise ship. He's great. He plays interesting solos. Sometimes he bows, sometimes he plays his bass like a guitar. He's a really creative player. The drummer tonight was great, especially his Latin stuff. And of course, Rob? Chuck? Sandon? Need I say more? They are awesome. I wish I could play jazz. Maybe I'll take some lessons from Chuck one of these days, when my masters program is finished. I got to talk to Chuck at length afterwords. He and Scott kind of exchanged words on their economic philosophies. Funny! But anyway, I love jazz. I love live music. I especially love sitting in a booth with Scott's arm around me and feeling the beat of a hopping tune. I love that those guys can get together and share their music with a crowd of people. I love hearing them interact. I love watching Sandon bring the guys in and tying together a piece after everyone solos. I love hearing Rob give a solo of just one note here and there (ok, it's not really a solo, but I don't know what to call it, and it makes me laugh when he does it). I love hearing Sandon solo in minor 9ths above what Chuck is playing (also very funny!). I love jazz. I love it when I know the tunes and can sing along because no one can hear me because it's so loud. I love this bass player who played on cruise ships but who now lives in Boise and is willing to play for pennies in the Gamekeeper lounge. I have a great life.

p.s. I received the greatest compliment of my career today from my teacher; he told me I sound like his teacher, who was also the same teacher of two of my other favorite teachers. What an honor! I'd better practice, and make it true!

Raise your hand

Raise your hand if you can show me what an inverted enharmonic Neapolitan 6th chord is! Today I spotted one right off in my theory class, and I felt so intelligent. My teacher was stunned by my knowledge. So was I! I love it when the gears all are turning together.

I May Have a Chance!

Today I got all the way through my concerto from memory without stopping, accompanied by my teacher!! He even let me play it up to speed, which is a HUGE compliment, since I've been playing at 1/2 tempo with the metronome for several weeks. I think I may have a chance at this thing! The preliminaries are in 2 weeks, followed the next week by the finals, in which they choose a bunch of people from all the instruments and singers to play concertos and arias with the Boise State University Symphony Orchestra. I feel great about my playing. It's been so much WORK, but it will be so worth it if I can play it with an orchestra. I've never played a concerto with an orchestra before. That would be a landmark achievement for me. I hope Dr. Purdy likes Rachmaninoff!