Playing in Public

Today I played Granados' "El pelele" for a Spanish class. My teacher was giving a lecture about Spanish culture and scholarship, and invited me to play for them. I had several brain freezes, but I got through without stopping outright, so I was glad of that. I just need a whole bunch of opportunities to play in public. This performance degree is kind of a conundrum. I hate playing from memory, and I hate playing from memory in public, especially. I get really nervous and feel like my blood is boiling or that my veins are about to explode before I go onstage. I've tried the breathing exercises and everything else, and I can't get a hold of my nerves. Oh well. I only have one more year left, and then I will play with ensembles for the rest of my life.

After my solo "performance," I went into the rehearsal hall and worked on a piece called "Aurora Awakes" by John Mackey with the BSU Wind Ensemble. It is a gorgeous piece! The introduction alone brings me to tears. It's a pretty big hard fast difficult piece, and not very pianistic, either. It puts the hand and arms in weird angles and then asks you to play fff, which is just not good. The rhythm switches from 3/4 - 2/4 - 5/4- 3/2- 7/8 all over the place, with hardly two measures in a row with the same meter. I've played in a string orchestra before, but there are no words to describe the vibrations that a large wind ensemble sends coursing through your body! It's hard, but lots of fun. And there I am, again, in all my exhibitionism again, playing solo piano in the middle of this huge group. It's quite a trip to be the only one on your instrument that way, with your part so bare in front of everyone.

When I was a young girl learning my piano skills, I would have never called myself an exhibitionist. I was shy and always looked at the group with a bit of disdain, not wanting to be like the others, but not wanting to stand out from the crowd as exceptional, either. Why did I choose this field? The truth is, that I didn't. It chose me. I'm not comfortable at all in either of those roles (solo piano or collaborative pianist), but I have to say that it's a bit like parasailing. It's such a huge risk that it's pretty thrilling on your way down, even if you crash.