Graduate Recital Report

My graduate recital was a smashing success. I get pretty nervous to play for people. I never play as well in public as I do in a practice session. A few weeks before my recital I had a pretty negative performing experience which prompted me to go get a prescription from a doctor for a beta-blocker, which blocks your fight-or-flight physical response. I got a prescription for propanellol in 10mg pills and tried them in a few different doses in various settings and decided on 30mg, spread over a couple of hours. The day before the recital my friend Kim was flying in, and my daughter came down with vomiting and a terrible fever. So I decided to get out of dodge and go get a hotel room downtown so I wouldn't get sick and miss my culminating recital. Kim and I had a grand old time. We went out to dinner at my favorite downtown sushi place, Yoi Tomo's. We picked up a birthday cake from Cafe de Paris and ate it in our hotel room (Happy Birthday, Kim!). We met with the sound guy at school and laid some footage for some recordings for my "solo album" that I hope to finish next year. Kim and I always pack a ton of stuff in a day.

The next day we went for a pedicure together. I went and visited my alternative doctor who does a kind of physio/psycho-therapy with me. He gave me something to spray under my tongue that was supposed to "balance my yin." Whatever. I just know I felt better afterwards. I took my ipod and my yoga mat to school and warmed up really slowly for about 30 minutes at a time: play for 30 minutes, rest for 30, play for 30, rest for 30, play for 30. I felt nice and warm but not worn out. I think it was a good strategy.

By the time I went on stage, I was still apprehensive because I wanted it to go well, but I had no physical symptoms: no cold hands, no tremors, no racing heartbeat, no short shallow breathing. I had somewhere between 125-150 people in my audience. When I walked out onstage, I looked out at all those people clapping for me and couldn't see anyone but my best friend Kim and my husband Scott. It's kind of weird to look out and see so many people and yet not be able to SEE them. As the night went along, I could recognize more of them as I looked out into the audience.

I seem to remember stopping 3 or 4 times, and that I didn't always play the form of the pieces exactly like I had learned (circling around a few times or skipping some things) but I don't remember WHERE the problems were, and I was able to just move along and not dwell on the mistakes when they happened. It was a more enjoyable experience than I've ever had in a public performance. Usually I feel like I just committed a crime against humanity during and after a recital. This time, it was much better. I don't think beta-blockers will help EVERYONE, but they helped me. I don't think it will help if you have self-destructive thought patterns, or if you don't practice adequately. But it helped me a lot.

I played the Chopin 4th Ballade as well as I ever have, with no issues. I was really proud of it, it being the longest and most "advanced" of the pieces on my program.

I had a beautiful reception afterwards, arranged by my friends Monica and Ruth. The food was delicious and visually stunning. I was totally wiped out, but it was fun to visit with everyone. I felt so much support from my students, from my music teacher friends, from my professors, from church friends, and my family. My parents, Mikelle, and Kevin drove up from Utah to see me! And, my dad's cousin Woody and his wife Susan came! What an honor it was to have so many friends there.

I can't wait to be done studying for finals so I can learn some more music. I ordered the Mompou Chopin Variations and they are at Dunkley's waiting for me to pick them up, along with the Chopin Barcarolle. That would be a nice CD, the Chopin Ballade, Barcarolle, and the Mompou variations. I'm off to a good start.

Never when it counts

I auditioned to play with the local community orchestra today. I was really nervous, but felt quite prepared, in spite of never having played my piece straight through with no stopping in front of observers. I played the first movement of Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto No. 4 in G minor. My teacher came with me and played the orchestral reduction accompaniment. He plays so beautifully. I always have to remind myself how lucky I am to be playing with him when I'm in the midst of a run-through. Although, I must admit, I think I am a more sensitive collaborator than he is (lol). Anyway, it was just the three of us in the room, me, my teacher, and the conductor. It went pretty well. I had one tiny fudge/pause but didn't stop outright, and was able to keep going and finish the piece. I played it better than I have ever played in front of an audience. He said he'd make his decision in mid-June. Then I came home and played it for a friend who stopped by (non-musician), and I kept thinking, "This is stupid; it would have been much more helpful to have played for her yesterday; this doesn't even count, since my audition is over." Wouldn't you know? I played it PERFECTLY that time. Not a single pause. Straight through with not a single hiccup. So here's the million dollar question: Why can't I ever play perfectly when it counts? Why, when it counts the most, can't I pull myself together?

I got to thinking that I started having these memory lapses when I was in high school and college. That was about the time that I started trying to follow my teachers' advice about learning music in small sections, rather than playing straight through again and again. Well, I had the brilliant idea that perhaps to play straight through again and again might be the missing link in my practicing. Maybe what I need is the complete train of thought. Maybe with my next piece, after I practice the thing in sections rehearsing each detail, I should demand that I play it straight through 5 times each day, with or without the music. I think it's worth a try. I think I'd have less memory trouble. I'm going to do it.

4.0

I got a 4.0!!! It only took me till I was 37. My first one ever. I am pretty proud. Last semester I got a 3.97, robbed by Theory Review, which was only one credit hour and yet I did about 10 hours a week of homework in order to get an A- or B or something. Still, pretty good for a semester with three academic classes in addition to private lessons. This semester I had Advanced Form and Analysis, Survey of Jazz, and Private Lessons. Today I got to see my papers from my jury, and they didn't say much. The one comment that made me very proud was from Halimah Brugger. She said that I had come such a very long way this year. I really respect her musicianship. I didn't see any comments from my own teacher. I'm pretty proud, though. Just goes to show that if you work hard and play your heart out, you can make mistakes and still be considered a fine musician. I wonder if they give less than A's to anyone here? I don't hear about it, if they do.

On another positive note, Alexis was awarded a prize for photography on the state level of the Reflections contest today!! I was so happy for her and so VERY proud.

What I Have Learned

I finished my last final tonight!! I'm officially a 2nd year grad student now. Don't you think this occasion warrants a blog entry? Here are some things I learned that I never knew before:

1. I know the difference between simple and rounded binary form.
2. I know the difference between a bridge and a re-transition.
3. I can define bebop
4. I know how to write in Chicago style
5. I learned all about accompanist Andre Benoist and made the acquaintance of his son, Albert.
6. I RE-learned how to modulate and
7. how to harmonize figured bass and
8. how to identify all the various augmented 6th chords (Do you think that will ever stick in my brain? I've forgotten already)
9. I discovered Mary Lou Williams
10. I became painfully aware of the effects of the Jim Crow laws in the South
11. I discovered Fred Hersch
12. I learned to play the Chopin 4th Ballade!!
13. And the Rachmaninoff 4th piano concerto!!
14. And Granados' El Pelele!!
15. My kids learned how to do laundry (lol)
16. I learned that the world will not end if I don't clean my house
17. I learned that if I get up early, I can accomplish 3x more in my day
18. I learned that my husband would stand by me while I accomplish a dream of mine (What a guy; he has been very supportive)
19. I've tried to learn to be respectful of authority. Don't know if I'll ever learn that really well, but I'm making strides :)
20. I learned that if you have a dream, no one is going to pursue it for you. You pretty much have to step forward and take it!

It's been a great year. SOOO glad it's over.

E.S.P. or Serendipity?

Last night I had the coolest experience! My brother called. We used to play piano duets together all the time. We did a full recital together every year for nearly 10 years. We even were featured on the local news once. He called me and here's how the conversation went:

L: "I was just driving down the road, minding my own business, when GUESS what they played on the classical radio station? Guess! You'll never guess!"
Me: "What? I'll never guess. Tell me."
L: "Just guess!"
Me: "Ummmm, Samuel Barber's Souvenirs for piano, four hands."

And would you know, I was RIGHT!!! We just wailed and laughed and laughed, that I was able to guess this very obscure piece of music that we played once together, probably 20 years ago. I haven't heard it or played it since. Last week I had been looking through my duet music, choosing duets for my piano students, and had stumbled across my score that I was able to pick up on sale a couple of years ago. What are the chances that I would have that piece on my mind, and that he would hear it on the radio and call me, and I would KNOW that was what he was experiencing, too? When we used to play together, we had something special; we could anticipate what the other would do without even having to signal the other. In fact, in practicing, we would sometimes stop in the middle and start at the same place without even discussing it. We totally had E.S.P. (extrasensory perception, telepathy, precognition, whatever you want to call it), and you know, maybe we still do. I have played with a lot of people, and I have never come close to finding what I had with my brother, in terms of really knowing what the other was going to do without cues. It would be fun to play those pieces together again, now that we are older and know how music oughta sound.

Do any of you experience this within your musical ensembles? I'd love to write a book about this someday. Tell me your stories.

Choosing a Piano Teacher

I have to shake my head when the biggest determining factor in choosing a music teacher becomes proximity. I want to say, "OK, I guess we'll talk in 5 or 6 years when you have paid out several thousand dollars to an ineffective teacher and you still can't play." As if I had room for one more student anyway, which I don't.

I almost posted that on FaceBook, and then realized it sounded really pouty. Even so, what they probably mean is that they can't afford me, which is silly, because they are throwing their money away to these neighbor ladies that know NOTHING. Can I express to you how many times I have tried to pick up the pieces when a child has had years of BAD TRAINING? It's impossible to do: like Humpty Dumpty. Let's just say that this phrase has NEVER been uttered by my students: "I took piano lessons for 6 years and I still know nothing." How many times have people said that to me about the neighbor lady they studied with? COUNTLESS. I need to come up with a tactful way of saying that to the parents who call inquiring about lessons.

On a lighter note, I got a 3.9 this semester. I'm pretty proud of myself. I wonder why I couldn't get a 4.0? I did SOOO much homework for that Theory credit, which was one credit hour and cost me my 4.0. Probably 5-10 hours a week. Oh well. I'm going to be happy with a 3.9. That's the highest grade point I've ever earned.

Where's Apollo When I Need Him?

Well friends, my jury is over. It was kind of a saga.

I tend to have some troubles with my nerves, so I was very careful to plan out my morning and have plenty of time to breathe and feel centered before I performed. I arrived at the music building at about 9:30am. I had an hour to practice, so I played through everything really slowly, being careful to warm up but not wear out. I took my yoga mat with me and did some sun salutations while listening to soothing music. Then I listened through my program while studying my scores. All this while I'm doing my ujay breathing, and imagining myself giving a wonderful performance, loving the music and having great success. I changed into my concert clothes and put on my coat and gloves (I'm always so cold right before I play), put my headphones on with Kathleen Battle's "Azulao" and "So Many Stars" which always give me such a feeling of abundance, and sat quietly in the hallway waiting for my turn to play.

When they called me in to play, I went down onto the stage and announced my pieces and sat on the bench and took a few more cleansing breaths and played my first two pieces ("Down a Country Lane" and "Midsummer Nocturne" by Copland) with finesse and grace. Then came the Chopin F Minor Ballade. I began it with astounding beauty! The opening is a bit tricky, with a crescendo in the right hand simultaneously with a diminuendo in the left hand. I handled it with perfect artistry. I played with unmatched technic and yet with tremendous love and sensitivity. And then, suddenly, I realized that I had skipped seven pages! Horrors! What to do? I could stop and ask permission to start over, when they were already running behind. That would never do. I decided I had just better finish stronger than ever and make the rest of it very convincing, which I did, thundering down the final run and finishing with a bang.

I took my hands off the keyboard and looked up at my teacher who was sitting in the auditorium. He looked at me with an ever so slight smile on his face. I couldn't look away. There I sat, pleading with my eyes for forgiveness, and yet using every ounce of control not to burst into tears or laughter. "Thank you," he said. I stood and walked the flight of 45 stairs out of the door of the auditorium with tremendous dignity. He followed me out into the hallway.

He said, "That was the most seamless cut I've ever heard! Only, you skipped your favorite part!" He had nice things to say about my playing. I'm not sure if the other teachers noticed or not. I guess I handled it the best way I could have. Well, it's over. I can't take it back. In a performance, you don't start over. You finish, which I did. I finished and kept my game face (more or less). If I were a composer or a writer or an artist, I could create a thing and there it would be for the rest of eternity. Music performance is different, because it only exists in time. It's quite a dilemma to become good at it, because it necessitates having an audience to listen to you time after time so you can get used to the nerves. It's been a lot of years since I was in the swing of performing from memory in public. All I can do is try again. But I do have to say, that I have come a long way this semester. I memorized about 500 measures worth of NEW music, and I'm performing from memory in public again. My hands feel good: my technic is coming along. And best of all, I've spent hundreds of hours practicing Chopin and Rachmaninoff. What could be better than that? Maybe next time Apollo will smile on me.

"I can live two months on a good compliment." - Mark Twain

I received the nicest compliment tonight! I was at my stake choir rehearsal, for which I am the accompanist. I was dreading going, somewhat, because I have SOOO much homework to do, including applying for a scholarship which deadline is fast approaching. One of the ladies said to me, "My dream is to play the piano as well as you. I have not played in 15 years, but because of you I got out my hymnbook and I'm playing again."

WOW!! Isn't that nice? I hope I can always play my best, because you never know who you're going to effect. I just LOVE that she told me this! She could have just admired me from afar, but it REALLY boosts my self-esteem and the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing when someone comes forth and speaks up.

I also played in Sacrament Meeting today. I played a Crawford Gates arrangement of "We Gather Together." I was SOOO nervous, and was really fighting the nerves as my hands were shaking, but I got a lot of nice compliments on that performance, too. When I finished, Brother Browne who was speaking after me, looked right at me and said with a big smile and all sincerity, "Sister Love! I wish you could have seen the peaceful looks on the faces of the people as they listened to your beautiful music." To see the look on his face was like eating cake. He had enjoyed my playing so much, and it means the world to me when people have an emotional response to my music.

It's been a good practice day!

How many hours have I practice today? I'm not sure. It's really hard to keep track when you do it all piecemeal. But tonight I sat down after dinner to play through everything one last time. I'm about halfway memorized on Chopin's 4th Ballade, and about 3/4 memorized on Rachmaninoff's 4th piano concerto. For the third piece for my jury, I'm preparing "Midsummer's Nocturne" by Copland. I was thrilled when I finished practicing and my husband chimed, "You sound great!" He almost never compliments my playing, so I felt that was a real compliment. And I will say, I'm sounding great.

I have a new practice strategy that some of you might want to try. Because of the studies that I've read stating the value of mental practice, and that mental practice is almost more helpful than actual physical practice, I've decided to include it in my practice strategy in a more deliberate way. Some of you know that I practice my music in small sections (1/2 a measure to 4 measures, depending on the difficulty of the music). Usually I try to play each section 10 times perfectly before I move on to the next section. With memorization, this is very helpful for me. So I decided to take lucky 3 and lucky 7 and do mental practice on the 3rd and 7th time through a section. I don't always remember to, but when I do, I think it's helpful. It gives my hands a chance to rest, and gives me more focus for all the other times. Give it a try and tell me what you think.

This Theory Class Will Be the Death of Me

I spent 5 hours working on my theory class last night. I got it half way finished, and still have about 5 more handwritten pages of part-writing to finish. This is for two credit hours. Wouldn't you say that is excessive? In the meanwhile, I still need to come up with 3-5 hours a day to practice the piano. I need a nap. I got an A- on my last assignment. I don't know what grades the other students are getting. It's difficult. Remember my first post where I lamented not having passed the predictive exam? THIS is why.

Enough of the whining already! Don't you just love youtube? Youtube is the best. I love watching piano videos. It has changed my whole perspective as a musician, student and teacher. I love youtube!