Healing, Moving On

It's tricky, keeping a public blog! The events of the last week have been disappointing and inspiring, all at the same time.

I have had some great people come to my defense this week who had no personal interest in seeing me succeed, but who championed me, nonetheless. I want to be that kind of person. I want to be the person who is encouraging, who is an ally. Kind of like Jesus, lol!

This morning I was driving into school to do some practicing in the wee hours of the morning. I calculated the time zone difference from here to New York, and found myself dialing the phone number of one of my former teachers. It went to voicemail, so I hung up, not knowing what to say. What would I have said to him if he'd have picked up? I'd probably tell him that I was getting ready to compete in this competition, and that I'm having trouble moving past the controversy and all my defensive feelings. I'd have asked him how he handles those emotions in performance. I wondered what he'd have answered, but I think I already know. I think he would have said, forget it. Move on. Practice. Focus on the music. Play your heart out, because you can't do anything about the judges choice except to the very best you can, and even then, it doesn't guarantee you a win. Even so, it is comforting to have my mentors and friends speak the comforting and encouraging words.

When I'm an old lady, I hope when students think of me, they will know that they can call me for those kinds of words of support. I hope they will think, "What would Tawna say if I could talk to her before my performance?"

I hope I can play my heart out on Wednesday. I hope I can demonstrate all my love for my friends in my playing, especially the other competitors who will be there listening. I hope I can channel all the love and encouragement I've received from my superb teachers. I hope I can walk out on the stage and experience the love of the audience coming back toward me. Of course I'd like to WIN, but mainly, I want to have a positive performance experience. If I can feel the love when I'm on stage, I'll have succeeded.