Music Scores: To Mark or Not to Mark?

I have always been taught to never write in my music scores in pen. When we were kids,we would only mark in our music in pencil, and then we'd erase all of the markings in the music every time we played for an adjudicator. This way, we'd be more likely to be able to pull the wool over their eyes because we wouldn't tip them off to our problem spots when they saw markings in our music. The sad part about this is that I don't get to have the souvenir of all my teacher's suggestions. One particular teacher made brilliant suggestions in my music, not to mention gorgeous handwriting, but now I don't have her suggestions since I always erased everything before an audition.

Now that I'm in graduate school, I don't see a need for a clean score, unless you just can't stand looking at your handwriting. In fact, at my last jury, I was not required to present scores of any of the music I played. They jury made their decision strictly on the sound and the effectiveness of the performance.

Nowadays, I write all over my music. Sometimes I even use a highlighting marker (Gasp! Yes! Ink!). I particularly like to make a note of fingerings, so I don't have to make them up all over again every time I practice. I think it makes for efficient note learning (especially in my level of playing, where 30 notes per second are flying by). I like to make a note of the harmonies or patterns that are going on in the music, to help me in memorization. These days, I even mark the date I learned a section, or a metronome marking at which I played the section to keep track of my progress. A little marking can be a journal of sorts, right there in your music. I see it as one more way to document all my hours of hard work on this intangible art which exists only in time.

Poety

Today my brother sent me this beautiful poem:

Failing and Flying

by Jack Gilbert

Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.
It's the same when love comes to an end,
or the marriage fails and people say
they knew it was a mistake, that everybody
said it would never work. That she was
old enough to know better. But anything
worth doing is worth doing badly.
Like being there by that summer ocean
on the other side of the island while
love was fading out of her, the stars
burning so extravagantly those nights that
anyone could tell you they would never last.
Every morning she was asleep in my bed
like a visitation, the gentleness in her
like antelope standing in the dawn mist.
Each afternoon I watched her coming back
through the hot stony field after swimming,
the sea light behind her and the huge sky
on the other side of that. Listened to her
while we ate lunch. How can they say
the marriage failed? Like the people who
came back from Provence (when it was Provence)
and said it was pretty but the food was greasy.
I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell,
but just coming to the end of his triumph.

*******************************************

Wasn't that beautiful? I hope I can continue the way I have always tried to live: to give everything my all, even though it is hard, and even though I may not win, or succeed. I hope I can always suck the marrow out of life, and if I fail, I'll just be coming to the end of my triumph, like Icarus.

Now, the Bach Toccata in G Minor (No. 5!). Can you believe I have finally made a decision? Hooray!

I Win at Flowers!

Well, I may have lost the concerto competition, but I always have the first flowers on my block! It helps that I have a sunny south-facing lot. Today I had a student cancel her lesson, so I spent about an hour after my teaching day out in the yard cutting down the old dead flowers from last year. I have crocuses BLOOMING, and my paper whites, tulips, daffodils, hyacinths, and soon to be lilies are all coming up. I can't wait to turn down Woodhaven and look at my house at the end of the street in full bloom! I can't wait to smell the hyacinths as I come up the walk. I still have a few more plants to trim up before it will be perfect, but when I saw color on those little crocuses, I knew it had to be done so everyone would say, "Look at Tawna's yard! It's full of flowers!" rather than, "Why doesn't Tawna clean up the dead leaves from last year out of her nasty yard?" It's going to be gorgeous, yet again. And if you want some purple salvia or orange daisies (both perennials!), come and get 'em, because within a few weeks, I'll be digging up the "volunteers" and throwing them in the trash. What a shame that would be. While you're here, you could take home a sprig of rosemary to season your supper (MMMM! I love how rosemary makes your hands smell). It always surprises me to see how much green is underneath all the dead matter. Maybe plants are kind of like people - kind of crusty on the outside but still soft and full of potential on the inside.

My Boy Glenn

I have just discovered Glenn Gould. My goodness, could that man play the piano! And, a looker to boot. Here's a link to a blog entry about him, with a video clip that I've yet to watch, but plan to make time to youtube on my big screen this week.

http://rippleeffects.wordpress.com/2008/08/26/glenn-gould-the-russian-journey-2002-tv/

Back to the Bench

Well, it didn't go as well as I hoped, but that said, I did play beautifully. My nerves got the better of me and I had a little memory slip. Whatever. I didn't get chosen, but I don't feel really bad about it. I'll still have other opportunities. I just think I need to have more performing experience. I think if I can perform it again several times, I'll do just fine. I really am quite new back to this memorization bit. My goal is to play it 7 times WELL with my teacher, and then 7 times WELL in front of people, and then I'll go play for the conductor of the orchestra I'd like to play for. That would make for a successful experience.

I had several friends come to hear me, and they all were very complimentary and enthusiastic about my playing. I have some of the best friends ever. I'm a pretty lucky girl, to have all this support and encouragement.

Now I'm choosing repertoire. There are seven Toccatas by J.S. Bach, and I want to choose one of those to learn over the summer, along with several of the Goyescas by Granados, and a Chopin Etude. Which are your favorites? Send me a youtube link!

The Eve of a Performance

Tomorrow is my competition. The days leading up to a performance always become exponentially more difficult for me. I start feeling really prepared, and then I'm not motivated at all to practice. I always feel like taking the day off. I know I have to keep my chops up, but I just want to sit around and eat bonbons. Then I feel a sense of impending doom since I'm not practicing, but I still can't get myself to put my butt on the bench! It's a real problem. Today the feeling is intensified, since my cushy artist bench is in the shop; it is soft and comfortable, but rickety and noisy, so something had to be done. I think I over-did it somewhat yesterday, not in length, but in volume, because my wrists are just a wee-bit sore today, and I have one fingernail that is kind of cutting into my skin. See? I have 100 reasons to stay off my bench this morning. I have a friend who offered to lend me her bench today; I'm going to take her up on it. On the up-side, I sound terrific! I played for my mom over speaker phone last night. She was dumbfounded. She was my first teacher, so she's got to be doubly proud of me. I'm going to play for a couple of friends today, and then I have a lesson. It should be a productive day, but look at me here, blogging, rather than practicing! I wonder how my competitors are spending today? I wonder if there is some biological reason I always want to waste the day before the performance; perhaps there is an advantage to resting up before going into battle? More than likely, I just have a short attention span.

Voodoo Doctor

Today I went to see Bill, who practices "voodoo medicine". His prescription, after his treatment, was to recite the following: "I surrender to my feelings; I accept my intuition and love." I'm going to make a concerted effort to love more this week. I'm going to be forgiving and loving and generous of heart. Hopefully it will translate in my playing, and my "chi" will remain aligned!

Whatever Works...

Today I'm going to have my chi re-aligned. I'm not sure how it works, but the good doctor pushes on my arms, taps my forehead, spine, and sternum, and somewhere in all of that I'm centered and happy with the world. I have had a crazy week, and it would be good to have strictly positive energy flowing through myself for this competition. I'm also hoping to have a pedicure, get a haircut, and buy a new dress. We'll see if I have time for all of that. I think it all adds up to make for a complete performance experience. At least my practicing has been thorough, so I'm not cramming to be prepared to play.

Healing, Moving On

It's tricky, keeping a public blog! The events of the last week have been disappointing and inspiring, all at the same time.

I have had some great people come to my defense this week who had no personal interest in seeing me succeed, but who championed me, nonetheless. I want to be that kind of person. I want to be the person who is encouraging, who is an ally. Kind of like Jesus, lol!

This morning I was driving into school to do some practicing in the wee hours of the morning. I calculated the time zone difference from here to New York, and found myself dialing the phone number of one of my former teachers. It went to voicemail, so I hung up, not knowing what to say. What would I have said to him if he'd have picked up? I'd probably tell him that I was getting ready to compete in this competition, and that I'm having trouble moving past the controversy and all my defensive feelings. I'd have asked him how he handles those emotions in performance. I wondered what he'd have answered, but I think I already know. I think he would have said, forget it. Move on. Practice. Focus on the music. Play your heart out, because you can't do anything about the judges choice except to the very best you can, and even then, it doesn't guarantee you a win. Even so, it is comforting to have my mentors and friends speak the comforting and encouraging words.

When I'm an old lady, I hope when students think of me, they will know that they can call me for those kinds of words of support. I hope they will think, "What would Tawna say if I could talk to her before my performance?"

I hope I can play my heart out on Wednesday. I hope I can demonstrate all my love for my friends in my playing, especially the other competitors who will be there listening. I hope I can channel all the love and encouragement I've received from my superb teachers. I hope I can walk out on the stage and experience the love of the audience coming back toward me. Of course I'd like to WIN, but mainly, I want to have a positive performance experience. If I can feel the love when I'm on stage, I'll have succeeded.

Where Are All the Ladies?

I've been thinking about female musicians. Why aren't there more of us? I went to hear a jazz band the other night, comprised of five guys. How many jazz bands do you know that are comprised of five ladies? None. How many female jazz musicians do you know? I don't know any. How many FAMOUS female jazz musicians can you think of? You can probably count them on one hand. How about this: Female composers. Female arrangers. Touring Female Concert Artists. Here's an even tougher one: Touring Female Concert Artists With Growing Children. How many do you know? Zero. How about this one: Female college music faculty members with children? Zero.

When I first started this blog, I thought, "I'll blog about being a graduate music student and I'll run into all kinds of other women who are also pursuing their dreams." No such luck. I think there are not more than a dozen women like me in the whole country. A 30-something mother of three, trying to be a top-notch musician, going to school, practicing several hours a day. If you take out the school part, then I have a couple of friends who are like me. But I would have thought I would have found more of these ladies on blogspot. Maybe there are many other ladies like me, but musicians are dis-inclined from blogging for some reason. I doubt it. I think what I do is so demanding that women who are also mothers can't do music and motherhood simultaneously. It's sort of true; I didn't play much music until my youngest entered kindergarten. It helps that my husband works from home and cooks most of our meals. I have a good husband, who supports me in pursuing these dreams. What a guy. Thanks, Babe!

This post is by no means intended to insult my lady friends that are currently accounted for! I am simply looking to expand our "support group", of sorts.

Live Jazz!!

Scott and I went to hear Sandon Mayhew's group play at the Gamekeeper tonight. Chuck Smith on keys, Rob Walker on cornet. I don't know the names of the drummer and bass player, but the new bass player is really good. Rob said they got him off of a cruise ship. He's great. He plays interesting solos. Sometimes he bows, sometimes he plays his bass like a guitar. He's a really creative player. The drummer tonight was great, especially his Latin stuff. And of course, Rob? Chuck? Sandon? Need I say more? They are awesome. I wish I could play jazz. Maybe I'll take some lessons from Chuck one of these days, when my masters program is finished. I got to talk to Chuck at length afterwords. He and Scott kind of exchanged words on their economic philosophies. Funny! But anyway, I love jazz. I love live music. I especially love sitting in a booth with Scott's arm around me and feeling the beat of a hopping tune. I love that those guys can get together and share their music with a crowd of people. I love hearing them interact. I love watching Sandon bring the guys in and tying together a piece after everyone solos. I love hearing Rob give a solo of just one note here and there (ok, it's not really a solo, but I don't know what to call it, and it makes me laugh when he does it). I love hearing Sandon solo in minor 9ths above what Chuck is playing (also very funny!). I love jazz. I love it when I know the tunes and can sing along because no one can hear me because it's so loud. I love this bass player who played on cruise ships but who now lives in Boise and is willing to play for pennies in the Gamekeeper lounge. I have a great life.

p.s. I received the greatest compliment of my career today from my teacher; he told me I sound like his teacher, who was also the same teacher of two of my other favorite teachers. What an honor! I'd better practice, and make it true!

Raise your hand

Raise your hand if you can show me what an inverted enharmonic Neapolitan 6th chord is! Today I spotted one right off in my theory class, and I felt so intelligent. My teacher was stunned by my knowledge. So was I! I love it when the gears all are turning together.

I May Have a Chance!

Today I got all the way through my concerto from memory without stopping, accompanied by my teacher!! He even let me play it up to speed, which is a HUGE compliment, since I've been playing at 1/2 tempo with the metronome for several weeks. I think I may have a chance at this thing! The preliminaries are in 2 weeks, followed the next week by the finals, in which they choose a bunch of people from all the instruments and singers to play concertos and arias with the Boise State University Symphony Orchestra. I feel great about my playing. It's been so much WORK, but it will be so worth it if I can play it with an orchestra. I've never played a concerto with an orchestra before. That would be a landmark achievement for me. I hope Dr. Purdy likes Rachmaninoff!